I guess I'll complain here, because I'm in a really, really bad way.

I've been fighting suicidal thoughts for a long time . . . this is not a 'I'm going to kill myself' post, just an . . . an I don't know what to do post, I guess.

A large part of the reason I don't kill myself is because I don't want the psychiatrists and everybody who called me mentally ill to win. They can't win; what they did to me was so very wrong. 'The best revenge is living well', right? It's just not very nice for me.

Problem is, I'm not living well. I'm miserable. I hate most things about my life. People look in from outside and think that I'm so over-achieving and successful, so I must be so happy and put-together. I'm not. Almost everything I do, I do it out of fear of the hospital. I feel like they won't be able to put me back there if I am extremely successful. It worked so far, and so I feel like I can't stop.

I don't know how to say it. I don't want to be a lawyer. This latest set of exams is destroying me. My hair started falling out from the stress. I've been fairly constantly ill with the flu, fevers, migraines, etc. since I started revising for them. Actually, that's a bit of a lie. I didn't start revising until like, a week before, because I just can't give a **** anymore. I was ill from the stress of not revising.
I've never had a problem with exams, but these ones are just too much and I don't even want what comes after them. I hate that the doctors were able to delay my life so badly and cost me so much money that I have to become a lawyer to pay off all my debt, instead of being able to be an academic like I wanted to be (and would already have been, if they hadn't gotten ahold of me). I feel like an idiot saying this to anybody, too, because it's an extremely competitive process to become the kind of lawyer I'm going to be. Only like . . . one in four or one in five people who start the process get there. I got there, and I don't want it. Well, maybe I didn't get there; I'm legitimately worried that I'm going to fail two of the exams.
Most of the reason I'm here is debt, but the other reason . . . well, they can't put me in the hospital or drug me if I'm a ****ing barrister, right??

I have a therapist. He's not actually very good at making things better, he just helps me keep going. Maintains me, I guess. He's my only source of support. He's away next week, and when I found that out I cried. A lot of the time, when he goes away I can very easily pass a week or more without interacting with any human beyond, like, shopkeepers and stuff. He went away once and I didn't even speak a word aloud the whole time he was gone, because there was nobody to talk to. I'm horrible to him, too. I tell him he's useless and he doesn't understand me, which is true in a way I guess. But he spends so much time with me, most of it for free, and he's still nice to me. He waited with me for two hours before my exam on Wednesday, making sure I was OK.

I have only one friend, and he lives in a different city. I don't want to burden him with my problems; mostly because he grew up in foster care because his mum is a nutter like me. I don't think he needs any more nuttery in his life: it seems unfair to him.

I still talk to my mum sometimes over e-mail, but I have to pretend like everything's OK. She still thinks I see psychiatrists and take the drugs. She's also responsible for a lot of the "treatment" I was put through. She's flying over in a month or so to see me get called, and she's going to stay with me. I don't want her here, and I really don't want her in my tiny little flat. What if she notices I'm not drugging myself? What if I start crying uncontrollably, as I do, and she tries to have me drugged? How am I going to reality-test if she's here? She thinks I shouldn't have to reality-test; she thinks I should drug myself until I don't have to.

I dunno. I cry all the time. There's no support, because every single last bit of support comes second to drugging myself with the antipsychotics. I don't even know what support they could offer me even if they would. I can't even get rape counselling because they want me to take antipsychotics first; they decided that before they even met me. They just saw my medical records and decided that I wouldn't be able to get counselling unless I drug myself.

The thing is, at this point I don't even know what I can try. I've done everything. I control every aspect of my life. I do all the diets, therapy, exercise, everything . . . I've read all the books. I'm still unhappy. I'm still scared all the time. And I'm getting to the point where there's nothing left to try.

Is this me giving up?? I don't know.