I know the confusion myself, its really hard to figure everything out. I have been diagnosed did by a number of doctors. Then ive had new doctors on occassion that rule out the did and blame it on migraines and two who have blamed it on seizures. Then its right back to the did diagnosis. Not to mention i do feel one way one second than only seconds later i dont feel that way and dont remember ever feeling the first way. As far as my health goes, its the same confusion. It drives me crazy. I will go months sometimes where i have chronic kidney infections, labs say i have an infection but the cultures come back and nothing ever grows so its like back to tv drawing board. Then it just stops. It comes back a year or two later and goes on for months. Sqme thing with my blood pressure and sugar levels. I have low blood pressure that gets bad and makes me so dizzy and weak for a few months then it just goes away for a couple tars before it happens again. Same with blood sugar, it will last a few weeks to months where it always seems to range in the low 60s which isnt terrible but normally its in the 120s. Everything seems to happen in phases with me. Including this. Sometimes i believe the doctors with the did and everything makes sense, other times it seems like the furthest thing from me.

I talked to the new t a little about how much i change so he wants me to bring in my old journal. I flipped through it last night and was reading things that i couldnt believe i wrote. An example, he asked if i had been getting good sleep this past year and if i was having bad dreams. I told him no, my sleep was fine only to go back and see all kinds of nights fighting to sleep and fighting off nightmares. He also asked if i had been hallucinating. I told him the recent times but didnt think i had been. But when my journal, it was full of hallucinations.

Im a walking contradiction. People often accuse me of lying but howstly... i do my best not to ever lie to anyone, i feel like i used up all my lies on my mom and im christian, im hard on myself so even the smallest white lie makes me fear damnation so i avoid it as much as possible. I dont lie, i dont think i do. But lets say you ask me my favorite color. I say green but the next time you ask me, green could be my least favorite color and my favorite is yellow. Ask me again aand you will get another answer. Ive tried to figure this out, i guess thats why its good to journal. Sometimes i have a very vague memory of saying something, other times i cant remember sayimg it at all.

This also contributes to the denial of did because my blackouts, typically i can tell when time is missing. But sometimes i do and say these things aand vaguely remember them but dont know why i would say it. This i guess is why my t said i will be a tough case to crack. Ive been trying to figure this out for some time now. I can go through the whole day in a deep fog, getting angry and upset at everything then out of no where the fog clears and i feel fine and dont remember being so upset and will say i jad a wonderful day.

Again, ima walking contradiction and it really is frustrating, my mind and body seem to change in an imstant and all the time.