I'm sorry you're suffering, fish.

There's a Madness Radio interview about suicidal feelings: http://www.madnessradio.net/madness-...ngs-david-webb

I don't understand everything he says, but I find his story somehow reassuring. He struggled with suicidal feelings for many years, and even had a couple of suicide attempts. He's now found his way to a place of peace. He doesn't provide answers as such, but maybe hearing someone who's been there and come through it will help you?

From reading the whole post I have to say I think you're in a bad way because of the circumstances you find yourself in. That probably sounds really obvious, but holding on to that thought can help. It's not you; it's you in this particular situation. Situations change.

I wonder if "fighting" them is part of the problem? The stuff I push away the most is the stuff that makes things hardest for me. Maybe you need to let them come up and see what they have to tell you.

Whatever it takes!

Possibly the energy you're expending putting on this front is depleting you? I do understand your need to put on that face. It's more than just a social thing for you. It probably feels like a matter of life and death. But you may need to free up some of that energy to use more productively. Maybe even just making this post will help release some of it for you.

It's a stressful career. I often wonder why people choose it.

I've already told you what I think of this perspective. This is your life. Maybe I'm too much of a fatalist, but there's a great peace is accepting that what is is best. Let it go. Play the hand you've been dealt.

Debt sucks. I'm convinced money problems alone can drive people into that distress that we label 'mental illness.'

Don't count on it.

Maybe expecting him to make things better is asking too much of him?

Sounds like your mom is the fourth situational source of your distress. (One is this need to maintain a mask of wellness. Two is the doubt over the career choice. Three is the debt.)

Huge stress!

Can you cancel her visit? Can she stay in a hotel? Can you buy some tic tacs, put them in a prescription pill bottle, and pop one every night?

That really sucks. I've seen that with my son too. All help has that string attached.

I think another reason you're not getting support is that mask you're maintaining. In order to get support you have to admit you're in pain. And you find admitting you're in pain to be risky because it means allowing people to see behind that mask.

I think that embracing the pain can help. Don't push it away. Move toward it. It's not going to destroy you. Have you ever done tonglen? Cultivating compassion increases your peace. You have a lot of pain which can be transformed into compassion. They've actually demonstrated with brain scans that feeling compassion stimulates the part of the brain which is underactive in depressed people.

Maybe. When we carry the past around with us, it makes it very hard to live today.