My Support Forums - View Single Post

fishsandwich · May 19, 2012, 11:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by costello

I'm sorry you're suffering, fish.

There's a Madness Radio interview about suicidal feelings: http://www.madnessradio.net/madness-...ngs-david-webb

I don't understand everything he says, but I find his story somehow reassuring. He struggled with suicidal feelings for many years, and even had a couple of suicide attempts. He's now found his way to a place of peace. He doesn't provide answers as such, but maybe hearing someone who's been there and come through it will help you?

Thanks, I'll listen to it shortly. I'm going to eat and revise agency law for a bit.

[QUOTE=costello;2362214]
From reading the whole post I have to say I think you're in a bad way because of the circumstances you find yourself in. That probably sounds really obvious, but holding on to that thought can help. It's not you; it's you in this particular situation. Situations change.

Quote:

Originally Posted by costello

I wonder if "fighting" the [suicidal feelings] is part of the problem? The stuff I push away the most is the stuff that makes things hardest for me. Maybe you need to let them come up and see what they have to tell you.

I'm afraid that I actually will try to kill myself.

Quote:

Originally Posted by costello

Possibly the energy you're expending putting on this front is depleting you? I do understand your need to put on that face. It's more than just a social thing for you. It probably feels like a matter of life and death. But you may need to free up some of that energy to use more productively. Maybe even just making this post will help release some of it for you.

It isn't a social need for me -- there's hardly any social in my life!! I know the energy I'm expending is killing me. Like, I like my hair, I don't want it falling out.

I'm sad because, well, I don't think it should have to be this way. Only a tiny part of my energy actually goes to staying "normal" and coping with whatever psych symptoms I have. The rest is all putting on this facade, so they can't drug me or lock me up because I'm so capable.

Quote:

Originally Posted by costello

It's a stressful career. I often wonder why people choose it.

One of the more stupid things I'll ever say: I didn't choose it. I ended up in it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by costello

Debt sucks. I'm convinced money problems alone can drive people into that distress that we label 'mental illness.'

Definitely. It's not even unmanageable debt, it's just . . . debt. It's blocking me from what I want to do.

Quote:

Originally Posted by costello

Don't count on [being a lawyer keeping the psychs away].

I kind of have to, don't I? What other guarantee is there, than being financially secure, capable and well-connected to lawyers?

Quote:

Originally Posted by costello

Maybe expecting him to make things better is asking too much of him?

That was a poor choice of phrase. I meant that he hasn't got many insightful things to say. I thought that going to therapy was about getting a different perspective on problems and maybe a bit of signposting ways through it; he just sits there silently for hours and lets me wallow.

Quote:

Originally Posted by costello

Sounds like your mom is the fourth situational source of your distress. (One is this need to maintain a mask of wellness. Two is the doubt over the career choice. Three is the debt.)

Definitely. There are days that I hate her. There are days that I don't mind her. I'm never really happy she's in my life, though.

Quote:

Originally Posted by costello

Can you cancel her visit? Can she stay in a hotel? Can you buy some tic tacs, put them in a prescription pill bottle, and pop one every night?

She decided independently of me to come; I can't afford a hotel and I know she won't bother if she can sleep in my bed.
I was just going to take birth control pills for a while. They're free here and I have a prescription for them in my drawer somewhere. I also feel like I shouldn't have to fake-drug myself in my own home.

Quote:

Originally Posted by costello

That really sucks. I've seen that with my son too. All help has that string attached.

Yeah, I don't ****ing understand it. The whole system is set up to get people into the worst way possible then lock them up. Nobody wants meds, so they avoid all the other support . . . then they deteriorate to the point they end up in hospital with a syringe of thorazine jammed in their arse 24/7.

Quote:

Originally Posted by costello

I think another reason you're not getting support is that mask you're maintaining. In order to get support you have to admit you're in pain. And you find admitting you're in pain to be risky because it means allowing people to see behind that mask.

I'm just not sure who to approach?! I know it can't be anybody medical, because they'll just drug me -- or anything that they might do, they'll make druggings a prerequisite.

Quote:

Originally Posted by costello

Have you ever done tonglen?

What is that?