I didn't realise that text doesn't get erased immediately when there is a change of mind about posting.

But guess unless I repost, it all seems rather cryptic.

My dad died on Wednesday - there is a huge amount of stuff going on in my head connected to that - I was with him, yet it all still seems a dream. Plus T and I had started to look at my relationship with him, so his death was not great timing.

T offered me an extra session and I went. I thought it was an opportunity to at last show emotions wtih him, I had been crying all over the place - but when I was with him nothing came. I was disappointed in myself, but also now wonder if I can't cry with him now, then I will never be able to show emotions with him and what's the point in continuing.

When I left and was putting my shoes on, I head his meditation bell and it felt like he wanted to cleanse himself of me - a "thank goodness that is over", moment for him.

He has offered another session between now and the funeral, but I don't want to go if it means that I burden him with my stuff. I don't want to create "casualties" of people trying to help me.

I feel I can't go to see T with the stuff in my head, but I know he is waiting to har back from me and I also don't want to worry him. I also know if I tell him what's bothering me, I will just feel pathetic anyway, I know on some level I am being ridiculous. I just don't know what to do.

I have been taking diazepam to help me just sleep and switch off for a while, maybe a solution will just come to me.

I have felt very distant from here lately, that I don't belong, yet something is telling me not to push everyone away right now.

Thanks for your posts - they mean a lot to me.