What am I going to do? I ask myself that everyday. I have had major depressive disorder as long as I can remember and I'm 28 now. I had a therapist about 14 years ago and it was no help. I have been on 5 anti depressants in my life and have never noticed any change. I don't know what's wrong with me, I don't know why I'm not good enough. I have had 2 real girl friends in my life and love them more then anything yet they both wound up leaving me. And guess what? Both of them had the same reason. Your such a great guy and you did nothing wrong I just don't love you anymore. I really do not have any friends but one. The rest of the people I talk to are just acquaintances at work. I go to work come home to nothing. I have had a drug/alcohol problem in my life. Not so much alcohol anymore however I have been back and forth with opiate dependence. The depression is not caused by that as I have had it long before I touched anything. I'm just so tired. I do not feel alone and worthless,I am alone and worthless. There is a reason I don't have friends. There is a reason I'm not good enough for anyone. I have had thoughts of suicide for quite sometime now. I think they are getting worse. I mean this is how I have been for so long. I just can't keep dealing with everything anymore. How long can one take being alone? How long can one keep listening to them selves say they are worthless and not good enough? I have tried for help. I had the one therapist years ago and I just stopped going to one about 4 months ago after going to her for a year. I just dont think telling them my problems and have them shake there head and say it will be ok everything will work out here is pills it's going to solve anything. I don't know what will. I actually believe it is just how Iam and I can't change who I am. I think Im the most ugly person on earth,but I don't know why? I don't think there is anything physically wrong with me. I just feel that way. And in 15 years you only have two girlfriends. Every girl I show intreats in says the same thing. I just want to be friends and they all say how great of a guy i am. But there is still clearly something wrong with me. I'm just not good enough for this world anymore. I'm sick of hating myself. I'm sick of asking myself why. I sick of struggling. I'm sick of crying. Im sick of not being able to look at myself. I'm sick of being alone. I'm sick of feeling like I'm being punished. I just can't help it and I can't get the thoughts of suicide out of my head. I have thought about jumping from the cheasapeake bay bridge but I don't think I could do that. I have thought about just taking so much heroin/cocaine and oxycodone that theres now way I will even make it to pull the needle out of me. I have thought of just using my glock and putting it to my head or heart and being done with it all. I can't get the thought of that and somebody finding my body on the floor out of my head. And you know just thinking of the fact that I am so pathetic that I would actually consider one of those methods to end my life makes me feel even worse. And the only people who would truly care if I did are my mom and dad and no of course not I would not want to do that to them. But I can not live with the thought of my life being like this forever and at least they would know that I'm not suffering anymore. At this moment I'm not in danger. I think I do feel somewhat better for being able to get all this out of me. I just don't know I really don't. But I refuse to suffer for the rest of my life. I refuse to be depressed,sad,worthless,not good enough,alone and just feel like a piece of **** my whole life. I just can't. I just don't know