I'm sorry you're suffering, fish.

There's a Madness Radio interview about suicidal feelings: http://www.madnessradio.net/madness-...ngs-david-webb

I don't understand everything he says, but I find his story somehow reassuring. He struggled with suicidal feelings for many years, and even had a couple of suicide attempts. He's now found his way to a place of peace. He doesn't provide answers as such, but maybe hearing someone who's been there and come through it will help you?