I know what you mean... I get like that often. But my life is full of counterexamples, which I suppose is my constant motivation. My Mother, most of the people I've ever known, the serial killers in the media. They are all my motivation to keep myself under control. To keep going on. To prove myself. Not everyone can succeed ALL of the time, but there is no harm in trying!
And your issue with virginity is obviously on account of asexuality & rape & whatnot. But everyone has their strange beliefs about themselves, life, etc. That's certainly not one of the strangest! Virginity was never an issue for me. But then again, I'm at the total opposite end of the spectrum than you are on that ordeal, so my input is highly inappropriate lol.
Once I get my diagnosis confirmed? I'm not sure if I'll feel any different. A word over your head doesn't define anything. At least it's closure... The direction in which you take it is purely your own. Would I prefer not to have this burden on myself & the people I surround myself with? Of ****ing course!! But I treat everything as a learning experience. Some sort of macrocosmic lesson. It helps me live in peace with my life, which is ****** by most standards. I'm unnaturally optimistic about these things! I don't know when it started, I don't know why, but it has helped indefinitely... It's insane what perspective is capable of altering.