I recently found out I was bipolar 1. I'm relieved but also disappointed. I thought by not sleeping and eating small amounts, the secrets to understanding life and absolute elation or nirvana could be achieved. Everything is so clear during those times and EVERYTHING makes me smile. I wish I could bottle that feeling and keep it forever. However reality rears its ugly head and I go into an impatient rage. Then I feel so guilty because I hurt the people closest to me. I'm horrible to my boyfriend. He deserves so much better then this. I quit drinking and the rage is still there. I started seeing the psychiatrist through my school and it's been a great experience. She is truly aiming to help me and instead of being committed and missing school or making me wait three months between appointments, she sees me once a week and we are using a regime of 900mg of lithium, 5mg of abilify, and trazodone to help me sleep. Besides the stomach issues with lithium and my poor diet it helps tremendously. However I've noticed my energy levels fluctuate considerably, and my irritability and sometimes anger show in the late afternoon until I take my medicine. I'm finding it very difficult to be around people I am close with, mainly my somewhat fiance. I love him but I want to be alone so bad. I don't want to abuse him and he doesn't want to let go. Things were so much easier to handle when I was alone. If I freak out and break a window, it's only my problem and I don't have to wallow in shame and guilt. I also stress out, like right now, because I can't sleep and the idea of laying down makes my heart hurt, and he doesn't understand. He wants me to go to bed and considering I work in the am it's logical. When I'm "normal" or depressed I want to be around family but I started seeing the psychiatrist because I could feel a manic episode coming on. Part of me wants to let it go, say bye to my boyfriend, and freak out, or go into the rabbit hole. I feel so torn and people keep telling me my meds are poison or unnatural and it hurts and makes me feel wrong. I'm taking them so I don't hurt my love anymore. But I feel like it's just a matter of time before I blow up, with or without medication. Sorry for the rant, I just found talking to friends unhelpful and I am desperate to discuss my life in terms of this illness, as I feel it would be illuminating.