Hello, I am a new member to this forum and I come desperately seeking help and advice. I guess I will jump right into it.

I am a 24 year old male and I am in a long term relationship. We have now moved in together and a problem that I know I have is coming to head and I don't know what to do and now I need help. For my entire life I have been simple said scared to have sex. If I am in a situation that is becoming sexual I get extremely uncomfortable and start to have anxiety just thinking about preforming the act. I legitimately get scared of sex, and it has been happening ever since I lost my virginity. I have never been able to have sex without getting this feeling fear while being sober. I have come up with a "workaround" of sorts which is alcohol this makes it either not come up or at least I can ignore it. Its very humiliating to constantly be turning my girlfriend down to have sex everynight, and only having sex when drunk once a week. It is insulting to her and upsetting to me. I have now explained what happens and why I do turn her down but it is not healthy to our relationship in anyway and I want this to be gone. I love the girl so much and am extremely happy in the relationship, but this is now becoming a very large problem because she is starting to question herself which I would never want her to do and no matter what I say she is starting to think it's her. And I've finally had to face the fact I need help with this and at my wits end. I have even tried just taking everything in me and forcing myself to do it while sober in an effort just to "work" it out of me but to no avail. I have tried writing in a journal and drawing and other outlets but it does not help.

When I actually force myself to have sex it's almost not enjoyable because I think about why it's so hard for me to do just do it. After it is done she is sexually satisfied and have orgasmed and I do orgasm myself and enjoy it, but I ask if it was good and still question myself and anxiety sets back in. This has happened every time I've had sex this feeling of inadequacy that is 100% unwarrented in her eyes. It has happened with every partner I've had. I lost my virginity when I was 18 not because of no opportunity but because of this fear. The only reason I had sex for the first time cause i felt so guilty and almost bullied into by her.

I was raised in a very christian home and I think this plays into this alot and I have since not been a christian since 16 but I cannot get myself to let go of this irrational fear and thought that it is bad. I don't believe pre-maritial sex is bad or a terrible thing. I have no reservations about it. This feeling comes from deep within me and I just cant shake it and its embarrassing and humiliating to me personally which just compounds this negativity.

I named this thread Sexual Aversion Disorder because from the description of it I feel as though that is the condition I may fall into. Obviously not officially diagnosed by any means. But I am desperate to get this dark shadow out of my relationship and stop it from possibly pushing us apart, and to generally help my quality of life for the rest of my life. I know the best thing would be to talk to a psychiatrist but I have no insurance and cannot afford it out of pocket. Any guidance or recommendations to help me work through this would make me eternally grateful.

Thanks for any support you can offer, I am open to any suggestions at this point...