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Triggering******************
I have been for several years now.
My history... As a child, all throughout elementary school when I was at my low points I would sit there and twist about 50 or so hairs around my finger and tug on it for a good 5 minutes or so until it would all rip out. I did this for quite a bit of years. I would have bald patches but even as a kid I knew it wasn't "right" so I would do it where no one would notice much, my hair thinned but the bald spots were underneath. Than my brothers found out and teased me for a while so I stopped and moved on to scratching myself. Would use any number of things, would even go so far as to take the blades out of my razors. I never wanted anyone to know so I would make sure not to do it bad enough where I would have to get medical attention and always did it on my upper thighs so no one saw. I did this for a few years until I was hospitalized and they made me strip, they found all of the scars and cuts. It was bad and really eye oppening when I saw their face.
I wont lie, after the hospital (and this was going on 10 years ago) I did for about a week after the hospital visit. But then something just clicked and I just realized that I was only hurting myself and I was only carrying on the abuse that I wanted so badly to be freed from.
For a while it was hard not to do it again I wont lie. When I would get really low, that was my first instinct. But I would remind myself, if I continued that it made me no better than my past abusers. (I don't know if you experienced abuse before but...) I didn't want anyone else to hurt me so I didn't want to hurt myself. It took a lot of strength but now it's a breeze. The idea never goes through my mind any more and hasn't in about 5 or so years.
The first few years took a lot of adjusting, a lot of mental awareness and self control but eventually the ideas of hurting myself were replaced with different techniques of making myself feel better. Eventually the urge just faded and it pretty much non existant now. The only similar thing I have now is when I am extremely stressed, I will tug on my hair. When things are frustrating me and I feel like I can't take it any more I'll pull on my hair a bit, but never pull it out or do anything to really cause damage at all. Maybe some doctors would say I haven't stopped because of that but I don't do that to hurt myself, I do it because it feels like it's letting some of the intense emotions that are boiling in my head out.
I hope you find an easier way, I wont lie, it was definately hard but it is so worth it now. I look see girls doing it all the time and now it doesn't tempt me, it makes me want to reach out and hug them. I'm glad I've come this far in at least that aspect.
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I'd lock my hands behind my head, I'd cover my heart and hit the deck, I'd brace myself for the impact if I were you.
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