Sorry to continue with my depressive rants, but I have no one to talk to and I cant journal because my kids my find it. My mind is full but yet I have no real thoughts. I know I am very depressed but I don't know why. My world is coming down with a crash but these obstacles stand idol in my mind. I have realized that I am a loser, a failure in the game of life. I came to crossroad one day and I knew it was the wrong route to take, but my loneliness pushed me there. That is why my life has gone wrong. I worry about my kids, I worry they will have the same issues as me. I feel that I have failed them in many ways. I started each child with lots of love but as each on came (I have five) I lost my way. I forgot my gentle ways, even forgot how to laugh and play. My boys started out on the right track but my lack of mothering has changed their tracks. My girls only have half of me. I have lost my empathy, I lost the part of me that is truly compassionate and caring. I have the ability to give them what they need. My baby boy suffers the most because most of me has been lost. The stress I had and the stress I have today, the father I took away . I have no motivation to laugh or play. He spends alot of time watching tv, which make me feel so guilty. I do love him and hold him tight. But as a mother I do nothing right. I don't know what to do and there seems to be no help in sight. I've been thinking I should give and maybe things will get better for my kids. I thought I should wait because me being gone would be hard for them. I no longer a good mother, I do not abuse my kids but I don't spend enough time, I lose my patients, I cannot find time for them, I don't do special things with them (i used create art, read, and explore with them, I also listen to them, and went and was excited about all their events they had) I am not longer good for their growth to grow and be happy and productive in life. Everyday I closer to giving up and realizing its time for me to go. Maybe my exhusband can do better (I never thought that way before) I wish I could remember how to run and play, pretend, listen, create, and have a caring heart. But I have changed, lost my core (the part of me that is truly me). I live as a shell living robotically with no motivation or hope. I know it seems selfish but my kids need a better life, because I have failed.