I've been thinking more and more about dying lately. I don't want to live without Paul. It's so hard and it all seems pointless. I've always believed in God but I'm wondering about things now. I think what stops me is wondering if I killed myself if God would let me be with Paul in heaven. I'm not sure what I believe right now. I just don't want to live with this pain anymore. I've been talking to people and I visited a church yesterday and the people were nice enough. I met with their grief counselor and she introduced me to a few other women who have lost their husbands. They're all so much older than me. They talk about how many years it's been since their husbands died and I think, please don't let me still be here when he's been gone 3 years, or 10 years. I'm hoping that I get some sort of disease, or have a heart attack, or that God will just let me not wake up some morning, but I'm still here and suffering.