One of the things I'm working on in therapy is my fear of abandonment. Many of the people I've cared about and who have cared about me have left me in one way or another. I got a call from my primary doctor last week that she, too, was leaving and she couldn't tell me where she was going to be practicing, other than to say she would still be local.

That sent me into a bit of a tailspin of doubt and fear about my T. I've become dependent on and attached to him. That level of vulnerability is scary to me. When I've felt it before, I've almost always pushed the person away somehow or pulled back myself.

I thought about bailing on my session this morning, but went anyway and talked to T about what happened and what I was feeling. He told me that I would have to work really hard to push him away - the only thing he could think of that would do that was me physically harming him. Anything short of that (and probably even that, he said) and he's just going to try to figure out why I want to push him away. If I try to pull back, he'll work to bring me back.

So, two things happened in this session that made me feel like maybe it is safe to be attached to him:

1. He got a call from my insurance company about me seeing him twice/week. He told me that if they won't pay for a second session, he'll still see me and only charge me the copay amount for the second session. That tells me that it's not all about the money for him.

2. When he talked about not letting me push him away, I said "well, that's what you're trained to do - it's your job." He looked me straight in the eye and said "you're not just a job to me."

I'm so glad I found this guy.