((((Purple)))),

For a really long time I wrote and deleted posts here in the abuse forum. I wanted to feel comfortable about talking about things but I just could not let things sit.

I can so relate to what you are saying here and I think about that saying all the time, "ignorance is bliss".

When I first came to PC I spent so much time addressing others who struggled. And I seemed so strong, truth be told I had been through a lot and survived. But I could not seem to show that part of me that was hurt. I think I felt no one would believe me either. I thought that if I let things out then I would weaken too. It took me a real long time to talk about it like I have been doing. I think that because I could see other suffering and fearing to talk to, I DIDN'T WANT THEM TO BE ALONE WITH IT AS I WAS. So I guess more than anything that encouraged me to put myself out here.

And the other thing I noticed after suffering through so many painful memories and flashbacks (and when I say memories what I experienced was way more that just a memory) I felt that terrified child in me, I got to feel what children feel. I began to remember that I always felt that even though I was afraid of my brother, I knew he was suffering too. I could see the suffering and I didn't know how to fix it all, and it caused me so much stress and anxiety.

Getting in touch with our inner child takes time but it is important to see that that child in us was never a bad child or a failure. Often that feeling of failure and even the desire to shut down comes from that child in us that really didn't know what to do about their environment. I really realized that my inner child often did shut down because she just didn't know what to do and there really was no one there to hold me and comfort me, I had to do so much on my own. Children really don't know what to do and it made me very sad. I have never cried so hard in my life because I felt so sad for that child in me. I never realized how frightened and confused she was and also HOW HARD SHE TRIED TO UNDERSTAND with so little life and experience or knowledge behind her.

I guess thats what brought me more courage was that I allowed myself to see her pain and she really could not help it. I think many times we are so hard on ourselves and we forget that we were just children that really had no way of understanding.

So, I figure if I lay myself out there, maybe that will give someone else the courage to do the same. It is one thing to tell people to talk and yet another to talk and say it out loud so they can too.

(((Hugs))))
Open Eyes