Thank you open and you are so right. Yesterday my t asked me why i allow the abusers from my past back into my life and try to help them i told him, because i can handle my pain but others arent as strong, i can take it pretty much. He looked at me and said "can you handle it?" At this point i was gnawing on my trembling hands. Obviously i cant take it, but i have to try, i put others in front of myself on a daily basis. So he says "you really have no self worth at all do you?" And i realized he was right. I take pain onto myself to save anyone else from hurting, even if they hurt me in the past. I thought i could handle pain more than them. But what it comes down to really is i make myself into a punching bag because i feel like i deserve it more than even my abusers. So i guess i need to work on loving myself more and sometimes putting myself first. This truly is something very new to me. Something ive never done.

But i cant be that punching bag anymore, willing to take the blows to make others happy. But if/when i do put myself first, i always feel like i was in the wrong and in the short term, the guilt gets to me more than the pain if i would just take it. But while im in the middle of this nervous breakdown, i realize i cant take it anymore.

I dont know if im ready to learn all of my memories yet. I honestly think that until i can learn to love myself, the only thing remembering will do is add to all of this guilt. Right now im just going to try to find some sort of self worth.