I'm having a bit of a panic attack because I don't think I'm going to meet my offer conditions for either my pupillage (like, get good enough grades to start my practical lawyer training, articling to Americans) or for graduate school at the places I've been accepted. I'm just . . . I don't know. I'm good enough, but I've been dealing with too much **** in my life to also do as well as I need to get these offers. And I don't get any mitigation or anything, because what I'm saying happened is so far outside the standard way people think.

I can't claim illness because I was never ill . . . I was made ill by psychiatrists. But they won't give me proof of anything, either that I was ill or that they made me ill, because I can't see them without getting shot in the arse with some drug. I can't let that happen. Never mind all the trauma I'm dealing with, or all the discrimination from the university I went to. I can't very well go around saying that actually, I did all this while dealing with torture, rape and extreme discrimination to the point where I had to get lawyers involved so I didn't lose my uni place, and maybe that's why I didn't do so well!!

I don't know what to do. I'm ready to end my life just because I'm sick of digging myself out of the hole I've been stuck in.