((((Purple)))),

You are lot like me. And the reality of that is that the way you are feeling is HOW YOU WERE IMPRINTED AS A CHILD TO FEEL. Always remember that the one thing that is very strong in MOST children IS THE DESIRE TO PLEASE. And with a female child there is always a desire to be nurturing as well. Children often display this by needing and caring for stuffed animals or dolls and they really feel that doll or stuffed animal needs their love as well. And many times small children pick some kind of object that becomes their constant companion that they take everywhere with them.
It could be a blanket or favorite teddy or doll. Usually it is something that is soft that they can cuddle with. But that something in their mind NEEDS THEM AS WELL.

When we address our childhoods it is very important to truely understand THE MINDSET OF A CHILD. If we can do that we can UNDERSTAND WHAT LACKED AND UPSET US as a child and also realize THAT THE CHILD IN US REALLY DIDN'T KNOW SO MANY THINGS.

It is very important to recognize that when you struggle emotionally as you deal with your childhood, in PTSD there are many times where you are actually RELIVING THAT CHILD WHO WAS LOST AND NEGLECTED. When you feel the tremendous loss it is quite a challenge and so many people who were neglected and abused as children, really struggle with so much fear of allowing themselves to address that childhood. It isn't easy to struggle with PTSD because WE DO RELIVE things EMOTIONALLY. It is NOT just a memory.

This feeling of MAYBE IT DIDN'T REALLY HAPPEN? That is VERY common because that child who suffered DID NOT HAVE THE MINDSET OR WORDAGE THAT CAN ACURATELY DISCRIBE THE EMOTIONAL SITUATION THEY WERE IN. And YES some of that INCLUDES disassociation AS children have so few skills to truely address TRAMA.

And the ongoing PROMINENT EMOTIONAL DURESS with ALL WHO SUFFER FROM CHILDHOOD ABUSE is FEELING LIKE THEY FAILED OR SHOULD BE ASHAMED OR PUNISHED OR THAT IN SOME WAY THEY DESERVED TO FEEL THE WAY THEY DID. But always remember THAT IS THE MINDSET OF A CHILD.

One thing that is a GOOD exercise to do is to go to a school and visit the classroom of what a kindergardener would be in or even a first grader. Now, when you do this, what you will see is SMALL DESKS AND CHAIRS AND EVEN OFTEN SMALL CLASS ROOMS. If you COULD go to your own grammer school that even helps more THAT IS WHAT I DID. And what you will see is HOW SMALL EVERYTHING IS, however when you where that age YOU REMEMBER THESE THINGS AS BEING MUCH LARGER, even THE HALLWAYS AND LUNCHROOM LOOKED WAY BIGGER.

Now, this is very important because when someone stuggles with PTSD that goes back to a childhood? A child can be stressed and frightened WAY MORE, ON A GRANDER SCALE then what we are stressed at AS AN ADULT. Sometimes (and this happened to me as well) as we are older now, we can forget how much BIGGER everything was when we were children. And we can go for a long time NOT struggling with our REAL childhood fears because in many ways WE DO ADAPT. But then what can happen even YEARS later is we can be simply raising our own child and then SUDDENLY BEGIN TO EXPERIENCE THAT OWN VERY TROUBLED CHILD IN OURSELVES. And as this begins to happen we can even experience flashbacks and it comes to such a surprise that at first we are totally confused as to WHY it is happening.

When PTSD begins to get stronger and present us with MORE confusing feelings and REAL desires to WITHDRAW and even a strong sense of FEAR OR INADEQUACY, we can begin to GET REALLY CONCERNED AND FEARFUL AND CONFUSED. And when the ANXIETY OF THAT CHILD STARTS TO COME TO THE SURFACE? We can get scared and as we begin to fill with the anxiety within that memory of that child, we can react with MORE anxiety that CAN ACTUALLY FLOOD OUR BRAINS WITH CORTIZOL in ADDITION TO THE CORTIZOL CREATED BY THE ANXIETY OF THAT FLASHBACK OF EMOTIONAL MEMORY ALREADY TAKING PLACE so we can become VERY DIBILITATED.

Now, this is where THERAPY and LEARNING COPING METHODS AND SELF SOOTHING METHODS becomes VERY IMPORTANT. And it is also VERY, VERY HELPFUL to realize that when we experience these very troubling memories and they are NOT just memories either, they all have a duration time. And for me, SOMETIMES THAT WAS ALL DAY. BUT, they do END and they DO JUST NEED TO RUN THEIR COURSE.
And it isn't always easy to CONTROL THEM because often you cant, you just have to be patient with them. God I wish I was told this!!!!! Well, the best thing to do is realize that yes, something needs to come out and be expressed AND IT IS NOT REALLY HAPPENING NOW EVEN THOUGH IT FEELS LIKE IT IS. Be as patient as you can and make sure you are in a SAFE place as well. And REALIZE that it will end and that IT MAY TIRE YOU OUT FOR A DAY OR TWO AFTERWARDS. BUT, each time this happens IT MEANS SOMETHING and IT DOESN'T HAPPEN TO PUNISH YOU, what needs to take place is this has to slowly come to the conscious mind where you can identify it and eventually remember it and see what took place that presented this emotional issue you experienced as a child.

Now, REMEMBER, always REMEMBER, that classroom and how small it is as you see it now, but it was NOT like that when you were small. The SAME is true with these emotional things that come forward AS CHILDREN CAN BE MORE UPSET BECAUSE SOMETHING IS THREATENING OR CONFUSING THEM SO IT CAN SEEM BIGGER AND MORE UPSETTING than you might see it as an adult. However, also keep in mind that somethings may not have been AS UPSETTING to that child AS THEY MIGHT UPSET YOU AS YOU REMEMBER IT TOO. We often wonder HOW WE SURVIVED certain things, but it is important to remember WHAT CHILDREN DO NOT KNOW ABOUT EITHER. A sexual act my not be AS bad to a child as THEY DO NOT REALLY KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS the way we do as adults.

Patience, patience, patience is VERY IMPORTANT when trying to address PTSD that involves your childhood. Self LOVE AND CARE IS VERY IMPORTANT ALWAYS, NO MATTER WHAT. And working through things little by little and allowing yourself to slowly give yourself PERMISSION TO LAY WHATEVER COMES FORWARD ON THE TABLE WITH YOUR T is something you have to TRY to allow yourself to do. YES, it is hard to do that, but if you CAN DO THAT?, you will finally get to the point where everything is there for you and your T to address and FINALLY take that constant struggle that PTSD presents that TIRES YOU OUT AND HOLDS YOU BACK "AWAY". Eventually, even though it is painful and hard during the process, you will finally be able to see it and as you do, YOU WILL FINALLY BE ABLE TO TAKE THE POWER AWAY FROM the PTSD symptoms that create you to be full of anxiety and confusion.

There is a definite process to TRAMA AND RECOVERY and the first part of getting the tramas or troubling childhood event out is the hardest. After that comes the part that is so needed and deserved, THE GRIEVING PROCESS. And the final stage IS FINALLY AGAIN ACTUALLY BEING ABLE TO ONCE AGAIN, EVEN BETTER THAN BEFORE, THRIVE AGAIN.

One of the biggest things I had to realize about my own struggle with my childhood PTSD memories? I did not have a soothing kind loving presence that I needed to have. So I had to be very understanding and careful and MAKE SURE I DID THAT FOR MYSELF. HENSE, SELF SOOTHING AND LOVE is CRUCIAL. And ALLOWING YOURSELF TO GET SUPPORT AND COMFORT FROM T AND EVEN HERE AT PC. IS VERY GOOD AS WELL. Establishing a SAFE environment is VERY IMPORTANT while working through PTSD. And if you have a husband or are around others THIS SHOULD REALLY BE EXPLAINED TO THEM as well. I did NOT have this and that was very wrong, PEOPLE WHO STRUGGLE WITH PTSD MUST AND DO DESERVE TO HAVE A SAFE SUPPORTIVE UNDERSTANING ATMOSPHERE. PTSD sufferers do not respond well to unsafe atmospheres at all. It just aggrivates the disorder and they DO DESERVE TO have a SAFE place to HEAL.

((((Hugs))))
Open Eyes