Once a year (or so) I need to whine about how lonely I am. I can't connect with anyone. It's my fault I know. Not only am I BPD but I've a lot of other issues to go along with it. I know how to express myself. I know a lot of stuff. But I don't really know how to be sociable and, frankly, I often don't want to be nice in the way that other people are nice. I've had confrontations with people that have told me that they aren't always happy but they act happy because they want others to feel good and because it's fun. I can't do that. I used to be very much the clown in social settings to lighten the mood and because I don't have anything to say. I don't do anything or go anwhere, which means I don't have anything to talk about. But when I was being funny it seemed people grew to expect me to always be funny and to always appear happy. People that only want to be around me when I'm funny obviously are not friends. Now I'm just this miserable person that doesn't want to try, doesn't even know how to try. I'm lonely, it's all my fault, and I hate it, yet I don't see how I can possibly ever change it.