I really have no idea how I am. I didn't get back to T to confirm whether to go or not this week - it was pretty busy over the weekend doing practical things for the funeral and I just numbed myself out with diazepam - sleeping when I could.

Then on Monday I started to think about the session and it suddenly struck me that although I had been a mess when I saw T last, T had nto contacted me to see if I was OK - it made me wonder what would happen if I didn't contact T - would T be relieved, would T be concerned, would T wonder if I am OK - would T ever contact me - or is that the boundary / rule - if I am struggling it has to be ME that reaches out to T.

Now it is Tuesday and I have heard nothing from T and it has been a slap in the face reminder of just how false and meaningless that relationship with T is. T might as well be anyone that I pay my money to, there is nothing special" or "deep" or "connected" about our therapeutic relationship and right now I do not want to see T again.

I obviously got it all wrong when I thought that T was there, not just for therapy, but for support - I feel stupid for believing that it was ever anything more.

If I can do this on my own, I figure I do not need a T - there is so much stuff going on and I am managing.

Thanks for the wonderful support on here - this feels more like IRL than my day to day IRL.