((((Lily)))) One of the things we are really good at is taking 100% of the blame. For everything that goes wrong. we are also really good at feeling ashamed for just being human. Try to be gentle with yourself and try to see yourself as a work in progress. You are here. You are posting. You are reaching out. Those are great steps. We all fall. We don't have to be perfect. And the fact that you also recognize that you wish you had managed things differently is great! (yesterday is how you managed. and you learned from it. tomorrow you can do it differently)

Also, many of us tend to try to be perfect and lovely and wonderful all the time (especially in public) until we just cannot take it one more second, and then it manifests itself in other ways (in private).

Either as an external outlet: yelling, arguing, acting out, trashing things, slamming doors, etc.
or
internal outlet: we become physically ill (headaches, stomach problems, joint problems, depression, anxiety...the list goes on and on)

In your post, the first thing you mentioned was that you are taking antidepressants. Do you feel they may have something to do with your actions yesterday? Definitely discuss with your doctor! Perhaps you can try something else.

I am also wondering if you are going to talk therapy, as well as taking meds (for me, talk and meds helped tremendously; while just meds seemed to mask the pain temporarily for me).

You also mentioned you are arguing a lot with your husband. Perhaps you can discuss this with your T so you can get to the root of it. Usually consistent "arguing" and "fights" are a much deeper issue than what we are struggling with at the moment.

Please keep posting and sharing and let us know how you are doing! I know you are hurting a lot today and punishing yourself (punishing yourself better than anyone else could ever punish you for what you think of as "behaving badly")

Please try to be kind to yourself...I learned a tool from my T, I ask myself "what would I tell my best friend..." and then I pretend I am my best friend and tell myself something nice and supportive (cuz I am ALWAYS so much more compassionate and empathetic with others than myself. That is so hard for me still. But I am getting better!)