Hi there.

I only read this section from time to time, and I don't think I've ever posted in this particular section. While I experienced CSA, I've felt "done" with working through that part of my life in therapy for a number of years, and have moved on to other issues.

Turns out I'm not 100% sure I am done with it, however. I've always thought that I remembered everything that happened to me in terms of the CSA, but lately some new things have surfaced. The thing is, I'm not sure if they're actual memories of something that happened or not. In the past I've sometimes wished that something worse had happened so I'd feel justified for being affected by it. (I know...pretty sick, right?) I've also always told myself that "As long as X didn't happen, it wasn't so bad." And maybe that was one way of surviving it all.

I feel terrible about the idea of thinking my abuser did something that he didn't. And it makes me feel sick to think that I'm thinking of gross stuff that didn't really happen. But I don't know if it did or didn't.

Can anyone relate? How have you handled it? What are the most important lessons about it all that you learned?

Anything you can share would be much appreciated. Thanks!