((((((Spider))))))),

When you were 24 years old with a child, SOMETHING UNIMAGINELY TRAGIC HAPPENED. You were ONLY 24 years old, ONLY 24. And your mother? She lost a precious daughter, HAPPENED RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER. Three children BECAME ORPHANS as you say.

HOW COULD ANYONE TRUELY HANDLE THAT? No one can take it away, NO ONE.
There was something VERY FINAL that was TRAMATIC about that. And we are not really designed to FIX something like that. And no one can ever change that.

When your mother saw that, she had no way of handling that emotionally and there was NO ONE there to help any of you to address that. And what happened next is what happens a lot too. Because there is no one to fix it, NO real strong presence that resembles a parent that can come in and sooth and listen and fix for all, everyone was left to themselves. And because NO ONE could pick up the pieces in that mess, everyone got very angry about it, including YOUR MOTHER.

When you got really hurt in that car accident and your mother shook her fist and said, "how could you do this to me", she wasn't really MAD AT YOU. Your mother was just MAD AT LIFE AND HOW BOTH HER DAUGHTERS GOT DAMAGED. Your mother had NO WAY of dealing with THIS KIND OF TRAGEDY, NO ONE IS PREPARED FOR THIS. And what your mother was feeling WAS SHE HAD NO WAY OF FIXING WHAT WAS HANDED TO HER TO FEEL LIKE SHE HAD TO FIX.

And Spider I can relate to her and even you because I went through a similar situation where I was unable to see my way to fixing something that I experienced as well. And what I experienced was no where near as tramatic as what your mother and you experienced. And because I was tramatized and could not find my way to fixing what I was addressing, I broke and everyone got mad at me for that. And I also felt guilty because for some reason I could not pick myself up and FIX THINGS. And there were lots of times I WAS ASKED TO FIX THINGS AND I DID MANAGE, BUT THIS ONE TIME, I JUST BROKE. And that is what happened to YOUR MOTHER AND YOU AND EVERYONE ELSE.

And somehow you were effected and felt guilty too and you also addressed issues of your own that made it very hard for you to raise your own children and be able to be there for them too. And you never really repaired emotionally and now your own children ARE DISTANT AND BLAMING YOU. Hey I know that because that is what is happening to me too. And everyone is feeling pain, and anger and resentment and trying to find FAULT SOMEWHERE because SOMEONE NEEDS TO BE HELD RESPONSIBLE SOMEHOW. But it isn't really a someone, no not really, it is just one huge desire for EVERYONE TO EXPRESS THEIR ANGER AND HURTS AND LOSS.

And as much as you are alone now? So is everyone else that is left as a survivor.

When something VERY TRAMATIC like this happens, the survivors all end up experiencing PTSD and you have to really consider the symptoms and pay attention to what the symptoms are saying about WHAT IS FELT AFTER TRAMA.

********************APATHY******************

The inablility to FEEL OR CARE ABOUT SELF AND OTHERS.

And there is also AVOIDANCE and DENIAL and all the other symptoms are there in each of you ALONG WITH ANGER, ANGER, ANGER.

I have PTSD and MY FAMILY GOT ANGRY AND BLAMED ME FOR NOT "JUST" getting over it and dealing etc. etc. And I have been viewed AS CRAZY OR WEAK OR IT IS ALL ABOUT ME. But the reality is I AM HONESTLY SUFFERING AND I CAN'T HELP IT.
And NONE OF YOU WERE TRUELY CAPABLE OF "JUST" doing ANYTHING TO STEP IN AND PICK UP THE PIECES.

And there are a lot of children involved in this aftermath, and there really wasn't anyone there for them. And because of that, they ALL ARE SOMEWHAT APATHETIC and never really LEARNED HOW TO CARE FOR YOU OR EVEN THEMSELVES.

Here is an example of what happened in MY CASE. Now I have talked about MY CRASHING which resulted in PTSD. And how I was blamed for that and I honestly could not help it and I didn't even know how bad I was or really what PTSD really meant either.

Now the other day my daughter stood in front of me and said, SHE WAS EMOTIONALLY ABUSED IN HER TEEN YEARS and HOW SHE IS STRUGGLING and HURT and HAS TO FOCUS ON TODAY AND TOMARROW because SHE CANNOT CHANGE THE PAST. And she also talked about NEEDING TO STAY AWAY FROM ME BECAUSE SHE CANNOT FIX ME AND SHE HAS TO WORK ON HERSELF AND FIX HER.

Now a year ago I would not have been able to handle that. I would have been so hurt and it MAY have pushed me over the edge to giving up completely. Because when I was really suffering in the THROWS of PTSD, I WAS DOING A LOT OF SELF BLAMING and FEELING WORTHLESS as well AS I CAN NEVER POSSIBLY EXPRESS TO OTHERS HOW I AM SO TORN APART EMOTIONALLY AND PSYCHOLOGICALLY IN SO MANY WAYS that I CAN'T EVEN SEEM TO THINK STRAIGHT.

But when my daughter stood in front of me saying what she had to say? Even though I know HOW MUCH I SACRIFICED AND TRYED ALL HER TEEN YEARS TO BE A GOOD MOTHER IN SPITE OF MY HEALTH CHALLENGES AND DEALING WITH ALCOHOLIC HUSBAND AND SO MUCH UNCERTAINTY? My daughter was STILL HURT AND CONFUSED AND FELT THAT THERE WAS NO ONE THERE TO EXPLAIN THINGS AND HELP HER. And I know I was there and I DID talk to her, but the truth is, THERE WERE MANY TIMES THAT "I" DIDN'T HAVE THE ANSWERS EITHER AND I COULD NOT EXPLAIN SOMETHING I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND EITHER.

So because I was able to just LISTEN to her WITHOUT feeling a NEED TO JUST DEFEND "MY OWN HURT" which would have INVALIDATED "HER" hurt? There was PROGRESS TOWARD HEALING. Because no matter HOW MUCH I DID DO, my daughter was still hurt AND SHE STILL DESERVES TO EXPRESS "HER" HURT. Even though I know I was a good mother and did my very best, MY DAUGHTER STILL DESERVES TO EXPRESS "HER" HURTS.

The bottom line is WE WERE ALL HURT AND SUFFERED LOSS and YES THERE WAS SOME APATHY IN ALL OF US. And it can be hard to SEE THE HURT OF OTHERS SOMETIMES WHEN WE ARE HURTING TOO.

You are all alone right now and you really feel that your own children do not care and have even hurt you. But, THEY ARE THAT WAY BECAUSE YOU COULD NOT BE THERE THE WAY YOU SHOULD HAVE, "NOT YOUR FAULT". Because YOU were tramatized and HAVE BEEN EXPERIENCING PTSD SYMPTOMS FOR MANY YEARS. You were NEVER crazy or uncaring either. IT IS TRUELY NOT YOUR FAULT and IT IS TRUELY NOT THEIR FAULT EITHER.

When something really TRAMATIC happens what you experienced in the AFTERMATH is often because EVERYONE WAS SUFFERING AND NO ONE COULD TRUELY PICK UP THE PIECES either, THE FAMILY IS OFTEN BROKEN APART BY ANGER, RESENTMENT, AND APATHY and THEY DO NOT, CANNOT, SEE BEYOND THAT.

What you are experiencing IS NOT YOUR FAULT. What I am doing here? IS STANDING OUTSIDE THE PICTURE YOU HAVE PRESENTED AND LOOKING AT THE WHOLE PICTURE. And spider, YOU HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO DO THAT for yourself.
And often THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS AS A RESULT OF TRAMA. This has NEVER BEEN YOUR FAULT, YOUR MOTHERS FAULT OR ANYONE ELSES.

(((((Hugs))))
Open Eyes