Being suicidal was the main thing that kept me cutting for so long. You really should seek professional help. Meds may help lessen the urges and make therapy bearable. Have you tried squeezing ice instead of cutting. That helped me most for a pain substance. The first three times I tried to quit cutting ended in suicide attempts. And the longest I made it before my current stretch (7 years) was 11 days. There is hope. Don't give up. I'm not suggesting this, but I spent most of the first month that I didn't cut puking most nights till I didn't have the energy to attempt suicide. And in college when things got really stressful again, I'd occasionally put myself on 24 hour watch (basically dorm mates switched off with each other to make sure someone was ALWAYS with me, including in the bathroom. It was hard, and embarasing, but definitely worth it (and much better and healthier than the puking). Are there certain places where you know you won't cut? The hardest thing for me is finding places where I feel safe from myself and can relax and just breathe for a fe minutes before facing the world again.