Spider,
Don't you feel bad about any of this. When anyone suffers abuse or trama, it is just so hard to get beyond the personal pain.

I have been in therapy for several months, talking and talking and MY THERAPIST HAS BEEN LISTENING as well.

And NOT ONCE HAS HE "EVER" SAID WHAT I HAVE SAID HERE. And it would have been MUCH BETTER FOR ME AND EVERYONE IN MY FAMILY IF "HE" SAID TO ME AND THEM, IF EVEN MY DAUGHTER'S THERAPIST SAID TO "HER", WHAT I AM SAYING TO YOU HERE.

I have encouraged everyone I talk to to try to see what MADE THEIR ABUSER, because there is always something there to learn and see. WE can always SEE the abuse, and FEEL THE PAIN too. I know because I have been dragged ALL THE WAY BACK to a little girl that suffered so much and it has effected MY WHOLE LIFE and while I DID ADAPT in many ways and DID see the people behind my parents. When the PTSD came into play, I WAS SO INCREDIBLY CONFUSED BY IT AND EVEN FELT BETRAYED TOO. And it has been so hard to deal with the emotional duress that that child in me really felt as well.

I have really struggled with trying to remember that MY BROTHER AND SISTER WERE CHILDREN AS WELL and YES they HURT ME, however THERE WAS DISFUNCTION that MADE THINGS WORSE and THE DISFUCTION WAS THERE BECAUSE OF "IGNORANCE".

It is SO INCREDIBLY HARD TO SEPARATE EVERYTHING Spider. It is SO HARD TO STEP OUTSIDE THE TRAMA and SEE THE WHOLE PICTURE. We do not want to TELL or BLAME sometimes because WE ARE SO VERY CONFUSED. We WISH THAT SOMEHOW OUR PARENT COULD JUST LISTEN OR REPAIR too. And often we blame ourselves and HIDE IN SHAME OR ANGER AND CONFUSION. And YOU ARE OUT IN THE WOODS TORN BETWEEN WANTING TO ISOLATE AND YET WANTING TO REACH OUT TOO.
And you are lonely and hurt and YET NO ONE SEEMS TO SEE IT AND YOU ARE SO LOST STILL. And I know part of you FEELS YOU ARE SOMEHOW AT FAULT TOO.

I have all those feelings myself and it has been SO CONFUSING and LONELY.

None of us can CHANGE ANY OF THE PAST. But what we can do is TALK AND TELL AND BE HEARD and FINALLY PERHAPS SOMEONE CAN SEE THE WHOLE PICTURE and show it to us so we CAN FINALLY STOP BLAMING OURSELVES AND OTHERS FOR SOMETHING WE COULD NOT, THEY COULD NOT, FIX OR EXPLAIN.

(((Hugs, big Hugs, and hopes that helps)))))
Open Eyes