Quote:
Originally Posted by 2or3things
Any thoughts on why you'd make stuff up? (Though I'm convinced I am, and though I don't know you from Adam, I'm SURE you're not making things up. Odd, no?) Probably more important, any idea why you might be saying you're making things up if it's not the case?
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Totally TMI and much longer than I had originally planned. Everyone feel free to skip over this post. Sorry.
I agree - I am SURE everyone else in the thread is telling the truth. I'm the only lying liarly liar here.
I feel like I am doing it because the things I remember are SO vague. It's like I am trying to put together puzzle pieces and build an excuse for why I've always been so strange. I have weird thoughts, don't like to be touched, have HATED my Uncle since I was a TINY child, I have intrusive flashbacks of locations and objects, a certain street in the city where my uncle's office was. I used to want to really hurt people when I was a child. I wanted shrink adults, put them in jars and shake the jars so that they hurt too. I have nightmares like crazy. I get a gross feeling every time I go to a family function. It doesn't even have to be my family. Big crowds of family make me feel like I am being taken advantage of & used in an inappropriate way. I can't have anything wrong with my stomach/back/groin area. I get a UTI and I start having panic attacks.
Thus, I am trying to explain away all of my weirdness by trying to say something bad happened to me. I can't just step up and say that I'm a horrible weird person. Instead I am trying to make it not my fault.
Right now I am trying to hang on to the memory when I was 5 and my uncle came back from college. I didn't want to see him again. I hid in my room. They forced me to come out and see him because he had bought me gifts. He gave me gum. I cut it up with scissors. He also gave me markers and a bank. I scribbled with the black marker all over the bank & got into trouble for that.
I can say that 36 year old me is lying and trying to escape blame. But I do have a small amount of difficulty blaming that angry 5 year old. I remember how UNFAIR it felt and there was nothing I could do about it. Totally helpless.
Sorry this got so long. There's stuff in here T hasn't heard. I should probably give him a copy. But he didn't answer my last email and I feel too needy now. UGH.