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Originally Posted by pbutton
I have weird thoughts, don't like to be touched, have HATED my Uncle since I was a TINY child, I have intrusive flashbacks of locations and objects, a certain street in the city where my uncle's office was. I used to want to really hurt people when I was a child. I wanted shrink adults, put them in jars and shake the jars so that they hurt too. I have nightmares like crazy. I get a gross feeling every time I go to a family function. It doesn't even have to be my family. Big crowds of family make me feel like I am being taken advantage of & used in an inappropriate way. I can't have anything wrong with my stomach/back/groin area. I get a UTI and I start having panic attacks.
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OK, I am NO expert, but these seem to be hallmarks of abuse. You may have buried the memories as a way of dealing with them. But the aftermath you describe seems to indicate that something did happen to you when you were little.
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Right now I am trying to hang on to the memory when I was 5 and my uncle came back from college. I didn't want to see him again. I hid in my room. They forced me to come out and see him because he had bought me gifts. He gave me gum. I cut it up with scissors. He also gave me markers and a bank. I scribbled with the black marker all over the bank & got into trouble for that.
I can say that 36 year old me is lying and trying to escape blame. But I do have a small amount of difficulty blaming that angry 5 year old. I remember how UNFAIR it felt and there was nothing I could do about it. Totally helpless.
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I agree. The adult you may try to downplay or deny, but the 5-year-old.....I would trust those memories, that little girl is trying to tell you something.
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Sorry this got so long. There's stuff in here T hasn't heard. I should probably give him a copy. But he didn't answer my last email and I feel too needy now. UGH.
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I'm sorry you didn't hear back from your T. I think he needs to know what you shared with us here, when you are ready to share it with him.