I have come to realize that some of the childhood memories I have are really just that, the memories of a child. And because children do not have the words or understandings of a lot of things, there can be this wonder if these memories are true or accurate. But at least for me, I had a lot of flashbacks and came to realize that I could not have made them up and the way they came to me are actually just the way a child would see or understand them to be.

I am still AMAZED at what came up in flashbacks and how far back they went. I have a flashback body memory where I am in my crib. Wow, was it so upsetting to experience too. It was the most troubling flashback I ever experienced. I don't see me in my flashbacks, I feel it and see what is around me. So it is not like watching a movie where I can see me at all. It is actually a replay of what I saw and felt. It is so troubling because I was so upset and frightened and I am that child. In this one flashback though, I can see my crib and part of the room but I cannot see who is hurting me. And I don't think it is an adult because in my flashback I am looking up and there is nothing there.

I asked my mother where I slept in a crib before I had my own room, because I remember my own room but in my flashback I am not there, I am in a different room.
Her reply was that I shared a room with my sister when I was an infant. I have a feeling it was my sister hurting me somehow, and that would make sense because she would have not been where I was looking as she would have only been between 4 or 5 at the time. And later on I do remember her doing things to me because I was older and in my flashbacks I could see better because I was a little older.

I do know that when my brother was small my sister wanted/tried to kill him. My sister did not like sharing my parents. Some children really struggle to adjust when a new child is brought into their world.

It is really hard to look at childhood abuse sometimes because children don't understand very much so you are remembering things that ARE THAT CHILD that went through the experiences.

I know I could not have made this stuff up the way it came to me in flashbacks. It has taken me a while to sort it all out though. It takes me a while to calm down after I experience these flashbacks because as I mentioned, I can feel everything and it is very hard on me. And I really wish I didn't know or remember this to be honest.

Open Eyes