(((Lily2)))),

I am sorry you had such a bad day and you have been struggling and unhappy. While I know that your insurance doesn't cover therapy, you really need to get therapy for this, if you don't you wont get better and may get worse. Antidepressants don't solve problems like what you are discribing, Shezbut is right on that one.

When I looked at your profile I see some red flags that need to be addressed. You have been surpressing things that most likely stem back to that domestic abuse and even further back to possibly your childhood that you don't see yet. The only way to resolve that is to look into it with a trusted therapist.

You have daily regrets about yourself and your life, that is another red flag and now you know that you cannot take that out on your family. But you do deserve to be validated for having feelings you struggle with, that doesn't mean you are a bad person or a failure you know. It means YOU NEED TO GET HELP.

I had to do that myself and I cannot say enough how much that has really helped me.
I found a therapist that works on a sliding scale and he also specializes with my issue which is PTSD. It can be hard for me to get the money together sometimes but it is well worth it. I only pay $60 per session and he is worth so much more, but he could see I was struggling and had very little resources to pay more.

There are good therapists out there. Can your husband help you to pay for this therapy? Can you sell something? I did both.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes