(((Spider))))

The reason you are struggling now is because you are finally allowing yourself to feel.
While it seems that you managed to get through so much what you really did is you blocked the emotional and you were probably in a hypervigilant state too. Think about it, you had a lot going on. I had that happen to me too, I could not understand why I could address all the injuries in my hurt animals and then get to a point where I could not function and have been so sensitive and even have outbursts of anger too.

It is just that we surpress things without realizing it. Oddly we can do it for a long time as well. And you STILL don't really know how to deal with it all, you are just more willing to talk about it. And as you say, your imprinting is to NOT TALK ABOUT THINGS AND KEEP THEM IN THE FAMILY OR TO YOURSELF. Well, that is the old school way that people felt was the right way to handle things. My mother still in many ways abides by that trend of thought, not realizing that it isn't really the best thing to do.

Now just because you have "THE BIG PICTURE" doesn't mean you know how to fix it or accept it or that you are all better either. You have to let out your anger and other feelings that you kept yourself from feeling, and finally morn all of it. But in the end Spider, you have to recognize that there were things that WERE NOT YOUR FAULT AND ARE NOT YOUR FAULT NOW EITHER.

I get snappy too and I cry and get frustrated and scatter brained and exhausted and depressed still. I don't know how to fix it yet, I am only just seeing the picture myself. And my family still doesn't understand PTSD and how it still cripples me.
But at least because I could actually give my daughter HER FLOOR FOR ANGER and yes I saw that her thinking and feeling is real but she hasn't seen the whole picture yet either, she is just angry, confused and upset too? I am making progress by listening even though, well, it hurts.

What you did here in this thread, THAT IS IMPORTANT, YOU NEEDED TO LET THAT OUT and YOU MAY NEED TO DO SOME MORE OF THAT AS WELL. You need to be heard, to feel and work on recovering, AND THERE IS A LOT THERE SPIDER. This is going to take time for you. But maybe because you have the "Big Picture", you can remember to BE KIND TO YOURSELF in THIS PROCESS.

((((Hugs))))
Open Eyes