(trigger warning if you don't like to read about termination)

I guess that's the topic of my post. I'm scaling back on therapy to every other week. My T gave me a good, reliable time in the evening and we're going to stick with this schedule for a while if it goes okay.

I don't think I'm done with therapy. I have some things to work through still related to sexuality, anxiety, and self-esteem. I also have things that I feel I need to talk through but haven't done so yet--bad memories, basically, that I want to share with someone.

Still, even though I expect I will land back in therapy in the future, I'm thinking now is the time to wrap up with my current T. I'm tired of being so dependent on her. I want to experience some fun in my youth and learn to rely more on my peers. Also, I make very little money, and I don't want to spend what little I have on therapy appointments. Finally, I just haven't invested myself in therapy as I would have liked, and it has been a few years. I wonder if I may need a new T to take those next steps--or maybe just a significant life event to motivate me to dig deeper.

I don't think that my T and I will ever have the intimate conversations I've been hoping for. I feel surprisingly detached about this and about seeing less of her. Intellectually, I know she has played a core role in my development, but emotionally, I just feel some simple appreciation to her for being an okay therapist over the years. (I also don't feel like I can tell her this because I don't want to hurt her feelings.)

In the meantime, I feel like I've been having these crazy-weird transference feelings kick in for someone I was deeply attached to (and probably inappopriately attached to) when I was an adolescent, to the point that he has been showing up regularly in my dreams. I do wonder if somehow this is tied into the distancing I've been feeling with my T and whether it will also pass once therapy is wrapped up.

Essentially, I don't want to take any risks of leaning on my therapist if it will get me to a point where I am deeply longing for her when she takes her long trip this summer. I'm kind of, you know, over that. And maybe that's okay. Maybe I just need to be a little more independent. I'm not really distressed about it, which is weird, but fine.

I guess I have some thoughts to sort through. I wonder if you all have any input.