I don't have any solutions because I deal with the same things. But I certainly empathize. I remember when I started dating my husband and I would flinch and duck when he'd go to put his arm around me. I was so used to being hit that It was just second nature to act defensive. I am sure I must have embarrassed him a time or two but he was thankfully so very understanding and always had a way of making sure I knew I was safe with him and He wouldn't hurt me. I still have an exaggerated startle here years later, though not quite as extreme. I do absolutely HATE being surprised by someone on purpose still though. It nearly instantly puts me in a rage. Anyway, just wanted to say I understand. <3