I'm 3 days from going home from my study abroad program, and while I learned a lot and a lot of it was positive, it's sort of hard to ignore this: I didn't make any friends. I feel really weird about it right now because the people around me are all exchanging tearful goodbyes with each other and promising to keep in touch. I've been living a pretty lonely existence, and honestly, it's been hard. It's all my own fault, which is probably the worst thing about it. For me, it's a serious effort to make friends, and I just couldn't find the incentive to make that effort. I withdrew to the extent that I had days when I think I literally spoke less than 100 words, most of which consisted of the few I needed to order coffee at Starbucks or say "sorry" to the people I bumped into.

The amount of withdrawing I've done both encourages me and upsets me. On the one hand, it does show that I can live and do things by myself and that I don't have to depend on others, which I actually like. On the other, though, I hear the others talking loudly to each other and laughing and I think about how everyone at home predicted I'd become friends with lots of people from all over the world and...I just didn't. And a rather loud voice inside of me is saying "What the hell is wrong with you?" and making me feel guilty for not making the most of being here.

So...I don't know, is there something really wrong with me? I flop back and forth, some days thinking I'm batshit crazy and others thinking I'm perfectly rational and my personality just sucks. Neither thought is pleasant.