I always think I have one, then I get like bronchitis, and I have to make a choice - go get antibiotics, or NOT? All of a sudden I don't have a passive death wish anymore, I have a pretty active "I want to stop coughing" life wish. When I jumped out of an airplane (many many years ago), my brother said, "Did you discuss this death wish with your T?" T and I figured out, it was my brother who had/has a death wish for me - this was on my bucket list before bucket lists were invented (3 down, 2 to go!). So make sure it's not your family projecting these feelings onto you, as mine were. It's not necessarily personal - it can be unresolved grief over other family members, a sibling, a parent, an ancestor that you may not even be really aware of, but we become the receptacle of these horribly negative, perhaps unconscious feelings. Not knowing where they come from makes them even more difficult to defend against. My brother knew the family stories, but being younger and a girl, I wasn't told, but the consequences were played out more on my neck, not his.