'I flop back and forth, some days thinking I'm batshit crazy and others thinking I'm perfectly rational and my personality just sucks. Neither thought is pleasant."

Those are the only options???

Why not accept that it takes awhile for you to develop enough comfort to open up a little, and you just never got to that place? Not anything to do with how you presented yourself to others ~ but you didn't take any friendly people up on hanging out either.

There are lots of open and boisterous people out there! People like that usually make me flee in a panic (personally). That's just me. I can relate a lot to your post, Sounds a lot like me! Before adulthood, this tendency of mine drove me crazy! I felt shameful, disgusting, you name it....As I've matured, and grown emotionally in the last couple of years, I have noticed that I'm significantly less impacted. I'm okay with not making friends now. It would be nice to have friends, but it doesn't feel realistic to me. And I am okay with that.

Does that make sense to you? I hope that you feel better soon!