Today was the last appointment with my T since losing my job. My insurance will end in a few more days. I will miss him. I hope to find a new job with insurance right away that he will be covered on. He was shocked when I told him about the job. I really didn't do well there today either. My tongue was twisted and tied the whole time. It was hard getting the words out the right way. There has been some stuff going on with my kids that I've been kind of anxious or upset about lately.

After that, I had to go to my kid's T appointment. He spent a long time in there with me. It could have been longer if I'd given in and told him what he wanted to know. Maybe it wouldn't have been any longer, I don't know. Maybe it would have just seemed longer.

Not long ago, my T mentioned that he'd talked to my kid's T and asked a little about the kids and stuff. Okay, I had no problem with that. Thought it might be good, save me from having to tell him stuff myself. Well, this was also right after that problem weekend I had when I had some really strong urges and temtations to do things that I knew I shouldn't do. So, since he talked to my kid's T after he got my note about that and before our next appointment, I assumed that he and my kid's T were in-depth in their conversation. I left my kid's T a voice mail a couple days later assuming that he already knew everything. Boy, was I wrong! I really put my foot in my mouth that time. I had mentioned about the problem weekend and "that maybe he would have some concerns....but really everything was fine." I said that things were doing better and I felt great, was very happy and motivated, and even eating 3 meals a day. All of that was true at the time. I attributed my good mood that week to getting the new Rx in case of a problem with my heart. I found out a few days after the voice mail when he happened to call me that when he and my T talked, it was at a meeting, relatively short, and nothing significant. Oops! I wasn't even close in my assumption. I did not volunteer any information, but tried to assure him that it was nothing serious.

I left a voice mail for my kid's T a couple weeks ago because of concerns I'd heard about "good foods, bad foods" from my dear child. This has happened before. And my ex wasn't listening to me (again) about not describing foods as being good or bad in front of the kids. Due to the nature of the subject, I included in the message that what happened during that one weekend a few weeks earlier was "some eating--related--type--stuff".

At my kid's T appointment today, I knew he'd make a comment about what I said in that message. He did, alright. He and I were in the room for half the time of my kid's appointment. He is of course very concerned because I won't be having any more T appointments myself, AND because I wouldn't share what happened that weekend with him. I didn't really even tell my own T, but I thought I gave enough in the note that he might have gotten something out of it to at least give him something to go on. I was vague with my T about what happened. I was vague with my kid's T today, too, about what happened. He didn't appreciate that. It could have bad effects. I've known already what the outcome can be if he might have any concerns about anything. In some ways, I sometimes think it would be better for the bad things to happen, that it would feel "safer". Or maybe to finalize things so I don't have to worry or think about it anymore. It might give me the feeling of it being an excuse to be angry about it and everything that happened. It's almost confusing.

I have to find a way to tell my child's T what happened that weekend and really get him to understand what has been going on with me in regards to eating habits, what happened that weekend, PTSD, and more. Since I wouldn't tell him in the office what happened that weekend, he actually invited me to leave a voice mail to do so. He just asked that I not leave it at 2am since he gets paged for all messages, LOL. I don't think a voice mail would be very realistic for me. I know how to delete and rerecord messages, so I can go on forever trying to record and rerecord basically the same message until I think it sounds okay to leave. I also have so much to say and talk about, that it would likely take up too much space on his message server. I think the best thing would be to write something up. It will be hard--very hard. I have a couple days to work on it. I wish it could be easier. I know that I am already in trouble with him for not talking, and whatever else. I just have to figure out how to explain myself. I don't even know if all of this that I just typed here makes sense and I am too tired to go back and read it over. I've got a lot to do about this, plus other life things.