I think I found my people! (you guys) I could cry I'm so happy. Ever since I got out of the last hospital 6 years ago, I've felt like a freak and have been repeatedly warned by my mother not to reveal my diagnosis to anyone. I feel incredibly alone no matter how many 'normal' people tell me they love me. I have no one to comiserate with really and no one to bounce these very personal worries off of.
I'm a musician too, technically, but I feel like a failure at that. I still sing and occasionally get paid, but I'm not where I thought I'd be at this age. When I started college, I expected to eventually get a doctorate in music and teach somewhere. Instead, I only have a bachelor's and am now a 41 year old woman on disability and in a bad marriage. I saw someone else said they didn't get diagnosed until they were 41? I didn't either until I was around 35-36. My family still doesn't believe it, even though they were witness to my mania. They think it was a bad drug reaction, but my docs disagree and they're the final authority in my opinion. The mania was the scariest thing I've EVER experienced and once I was calmed down in the hospital, I remember thinking, this is officially hitting bottom. I recently underwent 18 ECT treatments and the recovery from that has been much harder than I expected. I'm not saying ECT is a bad thing at all - it's a godsend for so many people and my doc is happy with my results - it's just different from what I expected and frankly feels kind of traumatic, although there is no rational reason for that feeling. I just want people to know I'm not anti-ECT at all. Just struggling that's all. Anyone else had that? I don't know a single person who's had it done, which only adds to me feeling like a freak.
I sound like I'm whining. Just feeling frustrated.