I'll try to be brief.

I recently met someone online. He lives in Texas; I live in Seattle. I've known him for about a month now, but our conversation has been almost a daily one going on for more hours than I can count.

My paramour is VERY compatible with me. He and I share similar views on relationships. Our sexual chemistry is very powerful. We both have our "red flags" of course, and we've both been burned by past relationships, both having experienced very abusive relationships AND long-distance online relationships that went sour after a time.

He and I both want to meet one another, and he definitely does not want to make anything "official" until we've met. However, since I'm disabled and very low-income, and he's recently been laid off and is having trouble bouncing back from unemployment, there's little chance of the two of us meeting up anytime in the near future. And because he's finishing up his Master's at university, he's going to be busy with school until he's ready to graduate sometime in December.

He is involved in the BDSM community. I have no objections to this and may even join him at some point, if I find it's something to my liking.

My problem is this: He is able to have consensual and safe sex without having feelings of love towards the person(s) he's having sex with. I, on the other hand, am really struggling with this. To me, even though we are not yet formally in a relationship, this feels like cheating. I was raised conservatively, and while I was able to shed a lot of the ideas I was brought up with, fidelity is not something I'm willing to compromise on easily.

Let me make this clear: I can accept when he does his "playing" in his BDSM groups. I can accept (though not approve) when he engages in that sort of play with his roommates (he has assured me that he will not have actual sex with them, and I believe him, since we agree that might involve more entanglements than he's willing to get into.) I am perfectly fine, and in fact quite happy, that he has a community through which he can express himself and talk frankly about sexual activity in a very positive, consensual manner.

However, he has also told me that he has needs. Because of school and both our financial situations, it won't be possible without some sort of miracle for the two of us to meet before Thanksgiving this year at the soonest. He will not even say or allow me to say "I love you" until we've met and decided we're as compatible in person as we are online. I respect his boundaries. He has told me that he is 100% faithful when he is in a relationship and I have no cause to doubt him.

He has told me that he has a "date" to discuss a "play" arrangement with a new BDSM partner. He thinks that this partner would not be a sexual one, just one with which to connect, talk, and do performances with. The date will occur this Monday. I've expressed my feelings about this, so he's aware of my fears. I'm fairly sure that if he did not want to engage in sex with this person, he could hold his own should the other party want to take it further.

But this brings me back to my own feelings. If he did keep it strictly "business" then I have nothing to worry about. I acknowledge that some people *can* compartmentalize and have sex without also being in love. To me, this concept is totally foreign. I trust he can keep himself safe since he's been through a lot so far and hasn't been infected with any STIs to date.

My biggest issue is this: Am I making too much out of this? Is my inability to empathize with his appetites (I'm fine with an occasional wank; he needs actual sex periodically) going to be a barrier? Should I pull out of this now and spare us both months of grief?

I really do care about him, and because I'm such a soft-hearted man, I can even say on some level I do love him. I know he has very similar feelings (you don't spend half a day talking to someone every single day for four weeks without a reason!) I especially don't want to just dump him the first time I feel a little uncomfortable (even though this is far from "a little!") because, frankly, I don't know how many more chances I've got!

(I'll spell it out a bit: I'm transsexual and gay; most gay men won't have anything to do with transmen because we lack the "proper" equipment... and even those who do deal with transmen do it simply for the novelty and not because they respect and love the person they're doing it with. I'm disabled; not many people would like to look at long surgical scars or deal with the issues that make my life impossible to be anything near normal. I have BPD and lose my mind when I'm in love with someone. I'll do ANYTHING to avoid being dumped! I'm 36 and as close to being a virgin as one can get without having sworn a vow of celibacy. I have strong social anxiety that makes it damn near impossible for me to meet people, especially offline. To be blunt: I was in the process of giving up on relationships altogether when this paramour "walked" into my life a month ago... and if this one fails after I've decided to give true love one more chance, well... I might not want to hang around life much longer at this rate.)

Please, someone give me advice, steer me in the right direction, or at least tell me to get over the last vestiges of my former prudish life. Is casual sex before a relationship "cheating"? Are we actually *in* a relationship now, only he chooses not to see it that way, and he's just holding out space to play the field while keeping me on a short leash? Should I run away? WHAT?! I need help! This is driving me crazy!