(((Suzzie))),

Yes, I can understand that, I have been there myself and for a LONG time protected and hid things from my past. And I have one extremely troubling flashback/emotional experience from when I was very small that has been haunting me and I am not sure how to fix it YET.

Suzzie, when we are children and suffer abuse of some kind little by little one of the things we learn is DENIAL. If I think about my own childhood where I was abused by both my siblings I can remember that I felt that if I told, THINGS WOULD GET EVEN WORSE. When I remember that child in me, I have to keep in mind WHAT CHILDREN THINK AND DO. And children ALL look for attention, acceptance, love, to please as well. In my case even though I was upset, I also wanted to be loved and A PART OF something, children don't understand much more than that honestly. And always remember, CHILDREN DON'T KNOW WHAT DISFUNCTION AND ABUSE IS. They are just a part of a family, just having to somehow find a way to fit IN TO DISFUNCTION OF SOME KIND. And children HAVE VERY FEW SKILLS OTHER THAN WANTING TO PLEASE, BE ACCEPTED AND FIND SOME WAY OF FEELING SAFE.

Now, really think about this Suzzie. DENIAL and often EVEN APATHY. Children who are abused LEARN HOW TO DENY themselves in many ways. And children who are abused DO form some APATHY towards THEMSELVES. They actually begin to feel in many ways that THEY ARE NOT THAT IMPORTANT and ARE SOMEHOW ONLY THERE TO SERVICE OTHER'S NEEDS SOMEHOW.

Suzzie, you are STRUGGLING psychologically right now. AND, what you are doing with that is, WHAT THAT CHILD LEARNED THAT WASN'T HER FAULT. It is very hard to STEP OUTSIDE OUR OWN PICTURE and SEE how we "DENY" ourselves unknowingly.
Suzzie, I do this too, and it was and still is hard for me to STEP OUTSIDE MY OWN PICTURE OF WHO I AM AND WHY I DO AND THINK CERTAIN THINGS.

When I came to PC, I WAS BATTLING PTSD very badly and I HAD SOME TROUBLING STATEMENTS MADE ABOUT ME BY A PSYCHIATRIST AND A THERAPIST in my records from a psychward stay and a few visits with an out patient therapist after I BROKE down from suffering a LOT OF LOSS on my farm from a NEGLIGENT NEIGHBOR. And I can look at my own records and see ALL THE RED FLAGS that were clearly there for ANY "REAL" professional to see, and YET I WAS STILL MISUNDERSTOOD.

I didn't have very much money for a therapist, I was left with a lot of debt too. And the therapist I WAS seeing for a while just happened to be A VERY TROUBLED PERSON HIMSELF. Wow, Suzzie, I have had the WORST LUCK now that I look back.

And I was looking for a support group and happened across PC. And I KNEW I was misunderstood, because I had tried to see a psychiatrist to address the mistakes in my records and clear up the WRONG DIAGNOSES, that psychiatrist SAW THE MISTAKES, however all he did was LOOK AT ME WITH A SERIOUS TROUBLED LOOK AND SAY, "YOU ARE A VERY MISUNDERSTOOD PERSON". And that was ALL he said, HE NEVER SAID MORE, OR WHY, OR HOW. And I was only given that ONE visit with him.

So I decided that I would try to see HOW, OR WHY I AM SO MISUNDERSTOOD, by just coming to PC and PUTTING MYSELF OUT THERE AND JUST BE ME. And it took a while for me to truely SEE IT. Because remember OFTEN WE STRUGGLE TO REALLY STEP OUTSIDE OURSELVES AND SEE THE REAL PICTURE.

While I was coming to PC, I was REALLY STRUGGLING with the PTSD and every single day I was full of anxiety and constantly battling the shakes and other things that come with PTSD. But I kept coming to PC and what did I do? When I came here I saw so many people suffering and needing help and it made me feel so BAD FOR "THEM". And I DID WHAT I HAVE ALWAYS DONE "BEST". Every day I reached out to OTHER SUFFERING LONELY PEOPLE and THAT IS THE ONE THING I AM "VERY" "GOOD" AT.

I have a lot of thank you's and friends here. And I still didn't truely see HOW I could be so misunderstood, it wasn't just coming forward where I could TRUELY see it. And I HAVE MET "NICE" PEOPLE HERE , I DO LIKE MY FRIENDS TOO. And I also write LONG posts too. And it really seemed to help me get through a lot of bad days with PTSD. It often calmed me down when I came and read and posted and read and posted.

But what I didn't do, is talk about myself, AND THE HIDDEN ISSUES THAT I WAS TAUGHT TO "DENY'. It took me a VERY long time to be able to TALK ABOUT MY OWN ABUSE. Even in therapy I denied myself that, AND I WAS COMFORTABLE WITH THAT AND FELT IT WASN'T IMPORTANT.

What I learned from my childhood? It was all about my older brother and HIS PROBLEMS, it was all about my older SISTER and HER CONTROL, WHAT MADE HER HAPPY, it was all about MY MOTHER WHO HAD THREE CHILDREN AND WAS ALWAYS TIRED BECAUSE HER HUSBAND WASNT THERE TO HELP HER, It was all about MY FATHER who had to work to feed us and WHAT "HE" needed.

What about OPEN EYES? I was the youngest and had to LEARN TO SEE THE PROBLEMS OF THE OTHERS and somehow FIND A WAY TO FIT INTO THAT DISFUNCTIONAL FAMILY. And MY family WAS DISFUNCITIONAL.

Yesterday? All day I was haunted by my worst flashback/body memory/emotional memory. I am a baby in this flashback experience. I am very frightened and cold and I WANT MY MOMMY REALLY BAD. And when I experience this, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO COMFORT THAT CHILD. I end up in my bed and all I seem to do is CRY AND CRY and I AM SO ALONE AND SCARED. It is a horrible memory and I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH IT.

I got so bad that I was in a lot of pain. And I thought that MAYBE IF I FINALLY TELL IT WILL HELP THIS CHILD. But I am afraid just like everyone else is afraid TO TELL.
I want to tell my mother WHO DID LOVE ME, but I am afraid it may hurt her. BUT I REALLY NEED TO FIND A WAY TO ADDRESS THIS CHILD THAT IS CRYING OUT because it is DEBILITATING ME.

I finally called my FATHER in desperation because I WAS IN SO MUCH PAIN and I COULDN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. And I even posted a question here. And when I told my father, explained it to him, what did he say? "I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO TELL YOU THAT WAS A LONG TIME AGO, WE CANNOT CHANGE THE PAST, WHAT DO YOU NEED FROM ME, I AM LISTENING BUT THE MARKET IS CLOSING AND I HAVE TO CALL SOME CUSTOMERS. I AM VERY BUSY OE, BUT I WILL TRY TO LISTEN, BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT. KIDS DO THINGS THEY DONT UNDERSTAND, THEY MAKE MISTAKES, YOU HAVE TO LEARN TO LET IT GO.

And Suzzie, I got my answer, and it was sad because that was always HIS answer.
HE WAS ALWAYS TOO BUSY, HE NEVER REALLY LISTENS, HE DOESN'T KNOW HOW.
And as I was talking to him, ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS "SAY, SORRY TO BOTHER YOU AND HANG UP".

Suzzie, I was constantly taught to DENY MYSELF of MY VERY REAL PROBLEMS GROWING UP. From the bottom of my heart, I KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO "HURT". I have so much sympathy and desire to help others. I am very good at helping others, I OFTEN "GET" THEM and I DO LISTEN, I AM SO GOOD AT THAT.

I am NOT good at HELPING MYSELF in MANY WAYS. I get my happyness BY GIVING IT TO OTHERS, EVEN MY CHILD, EVEN MY HUSBAND AND EVERYONE ELSE. When my animals were destroyed, when my daughter's horse was destroyed, when I SAW EVERYONE IN PAIN, " I COULD NOT FIX IT AND I GOT SO ANGRY AND LOST THAT I "BROKE" DOWN. And NO ONE understood it NO ONE. They ALL YELLED AT ME and MY SISTER CAME INTO THE PSYCHWARD AND "YELLED AT ME". I was the giver, and the giver broke AND NO ONE LIKED IT.

Everyone thinks I am SO STRONG, and I AM when I AM GIVING TO OTHERS. But I never learned to HELP MYSELF, I only learned TO DENY MYSELF FOR OTHERS.

I have a child in me THAT IS REALLY UPSET AND CRYING and I DON'T KNOW HOW TO HELP HER. But Suzzie, I NEVER REALLY DID. And NEITHER DID ANYONE ELSE.

To be HONEST Suzzie, I don't know how to help this child yet. How SAD is that?
And guess what, just like you I want to withdraw into myself somehow too. But I KNOW I CANNOT REALLY FIX IT BY DOING THAT. Because that is WHAT I ALWAYS DID Suzzie. And this is not just MY problem, or just YOUR problem, it is a constant message or statement or desire of MANY HERE IN THE FORUMS. And often when I DO ask a question in and effort to solve that? I don't really get an answer.

Open Eyes