This is something I can understand too. I remember T1 talking to me about it ..... just like there was a 'so what if something happens' attitude I had sometimes, where I might be driving along and so what if I was going too fast, had an accident and that was the story ...... It wasn't so much that I really wanted to die/be dead, but to be free from whatever this odd emotional life I was living was, it was a yearning for liberty/escape of some sort, I think.
I don't have it so much now ..... but sometimes I do think about it. Sometimes now it has to do with a mixed fear/curiosity about death and an anticipation of the unknown that is sort of painful to me, to be going about not knowing when the last moment might be .... and I think, oh, can't it just be over with already? But no, I am happy to be alive ..... it's just that there is that other that I have in me, too .......