One of the Biggest reasons that we are afraid to discuss and look at our childhoods is because we were not only afraid then, but we are also afraid now, we are afraid that we don't have the ability to help that child in us. And somehow we were denied and the biggest part of not wanting to tell, is we somehow know, we will just be denied again. I learned that yesterday when I got up to courage to call my father.

And when I really think about my mother, she too had a hard time giving to herself.
She wanted to though, but when she did, she went SHOPPING and ALWAYS HAD TO BUY STUFF ON SALE. And she always had to buy us things so she could give herself permission to also give things to herself. And a lot of times she would buy things and take them back too. And my father always punished her EVERYTIME SHE GAVE TO HERSELF. He never really noticed that either. My dad can give to himself, but he he doesn't really know how to give to others, not really, it is a big deal when he does.

I took time to get to know the people in my family, I figured out how to make THEM happy. I even thought I made peace with it too. I have a real gift for figuring other people out and making them happy. But I never did it for me though. Truth is, I can only be happy by pleasing others, that is what I learned ever since I can remember.

And I raised my daughter GIVING HER EVERYTHING. I gave her love and safety and everything I could because I wanted her to have what I didn't have. And she DOES give herself permission to GIVE TO HERSELF. I taught her that, and she is entitled too, BECAUSE I DID THAT FOR HER. And she doesn't understand me, because I AM DIFFERENT. I don't know how to truely GIVE TO MYSELF LIKE SHE DOES.

When I broke, I didn't have any more energy to give, I was just plain broke. I kept thinking that after a while I would finally be able to get up and go back to doing my giving thing. But I couldn't and instead, I ended up battling and being crippled by this thing called PTSD. And whether I like or not, EVERYTHING that EVER HURT ME is coming out that goes all the way back to THAT CRYING BABY that I can't seem to silence or help somehow.

Suzzie, let me ask you something, "DO YOU THINK I DESERVE TO FIND A WAY TO HELP THAT CRYING BABY THAT HAUNTS ME?"

I don't mean to go on and on about myself, but I am showing you ways were we can deny ourselves and not even realize it, I have been learning too. Maybe you can identify with "SOME" of what I experienced and am learning, ofcourse you will have YOUR OWN STORY but whatever that is, YOUR NOT ALONE in how you are feeling.

Open Eyes