(((Hellion))),

Many who have PTSD problems have problems that stem back to their childhoods. I was also one in this catagory. I think that this past week it finally got to a point where it hit me right between the eyes and I have been all around it for a while.
Unfortunately I have been in such a damanding atmosphere that I just didn't see it, but it was always all around me, even here.

Probably like you, I grew up in a disfunctional atmosphere and in my case I never learned how to be HAPPY FOR ME. I only learned to see the others around me and the only way I could seem to be happy or safe is IF THEY WERE HAPPY.

The most important thing you have to learn is that YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY AND YOU HAVE TO LEARN HOW TO DO THAT FOR YOURSELF.

I adapted to EVERYONE ELSE AROUND ME THAT HAD PROBLEMS when I was growing up. There was NO solid person in my youth that I could imprint on. And when there is alcoholism, as was in my case, THERE IS CONSTANT DISFUCTION. My father was a binge alcoholic and seemed functional in between. But he had that mentality and was often very self absorbed as well. That disease leads to someone being very self absorbed and waiting for that time when they can just escape from life, that is their reward, their answer and in that, they never learn how to truely grow up and deal with life as well as help others do the same.

If someone doesn't really learn how to live life and love themselves and have permission to be happy, as we all need that? Well then that someone runs away from life and other people as well.

Walking away from TOXIC people doesn't mean we have to NOT LOVE THEM. What it means is we have to stop them from NOT giving us permission to love ourselves and be happy. We have to learn that WE CANNOT FIX THESE PEOPLE and they interfere with us developing our own sense of value in ourselves and life. These people can very easily convince us that we are unworthy without our even knowing it. And what do we know? when we are just children? We are what we know, and if we do not know how to love ourselves and give ourselves permission to TRY LIFE, LEARN IN LIFE, GIVE OURSELVES CREDIT FOR THE EFFORT, GIVE OURSELVES A CHANCE TO LEARN AND GROW EVEN WHEN WE MAKE MISTAKES, we begin to unknowingly think we never deserved it and are not good enough.

The only way to resolve this is to find others that have been given permission to finally LOVE THEMSELVES. That it is ok to fail a test or stumble and fall or not be the best at something we try. It is ok to try and grow and do life and be human and make mistakes and we don't have to let others judge us.

That is where healing begins.

Hellion, try that program, it may help you learn that, it designed for that. Therapy is supposed to help you learn that too. However, for you, you can learn this in AA and Alanon as well. Everyone goes there to learn the same thing and that in itself is comforting because you learn you are not alone. And there are people that have been there longer and have gained and they can help you do the same.

Hellion, you got the wrong impression in another thread and the purpose of that program is NEVER TO JUDGE ANYONE. It is not about being judged at all and if you go there afraid of that you may miss out on some wonderful people whom you can really learn a lot with and SHARE with as they all learn how to listen and SHARE. You will meet people JUST LIKE YOU whom can relate to you and truely HELP you as well and make you feel VERY WELCOME as well. That will do more to help you with the PTSD than any medication you can take. You DO have goals and desires, you CAN learn how to give yourself what you need to proceed with that desire and actually thrive, and you will also have good friends along the way that will reach out to you when you stumble and they wont judge you either, they will really understand and help you and that is what you need the most right now.

Open Eyes