but I don't have the will to kill myself.

......
I can't justify in my mind the pain I would cause people by doing it.
not yet.

but i'm so tired. of everything.
nothing gets better in life.
Here is hell and on my own I'll just have to do the same thing I've been doing.
living for the next step.
all of school it was to get to college.
in college it'll be to get a good job.
at a job (likely not good thanks to this economy) to retire.
and once retired, we're too old to properly enjoy life anymore.
not to mention i'm deathly afraid of aging.
i don't want to look like that.
i don't want to be alone and see no one else around me anymore.
and have no one to count on.
and no one to love.
and no one to Hold.

there'll always be pain. and there'll always be hurt. and there'll always be people who are too wrapped up in their own lives to spare a thought.
And no mood booster of any kind can change that.
solitude. silence. pain. lonely. will continue.
words can play a minor part in affecting this, but touch is crucial.
without touch it's psychologically proven that we degrade mentally.

I just wish i were dead.
because the only reasons i've been living for these last 6 years.
drain me more than anything else.

If this world weren't so f-cked up maybe it wouldn't be so bad.
but it is.
and i'm so far beyond tired that i can't begin to express it right now.
i just wish that it would end.
and that i when i went to sleep, someday soon, I wouldn't wake up.