I wish i was as strong as you guys. I know that not fitting in is not the end of the world, i know that the definition of normal depends on who you are, where you live, so many factors but this logic doesn't help with my desire to belong, despite there being no real place to belong to. I feel i need to be accepted, to belong so i'm not alone.
My family picks up on my change in behaviour and yet i cannot talk to them. I want them to understand and yet i don't want to let them in as well. I don't want to show them, anyone how weak i am inside. The minute i start talking i hear how pathetic i sound, saying things are bad when there is no reason to feel bad. If i think i'm pathetic, i dread to think what others will be thinking. I feel ashamed.
I know this next part will sound extremely pathetic and very mean, but if i had very bad depression and was still surviving then at least i could think to myself how strong i am for putting up with the crap. But mine is mild, and on and off, and i only can't take it because i am a weaker person than everyone else. This is the truth, if someone else stood in my shoes they would wonder why i was so upset. I can't bear to be a weak person, i want to be strong, i want to be able to cope, i want to do all those things that people say will pull me out of this hole, like looking at the beauty in things, going on walks etc so i can say to myself, look you feel crap but look how much courage and will power you have for pulling yourself though it. But i'm unable to do that, i am not strong enough to do that. I sit and complain and cause a fuss over nothing. I wish i could deal with this, so i could have alittle pride in myself.
I love the idea that others are with me looking through the glass to the other side. And i understand you are there, but i cannot believe it. I know you are there but i think i've become seperated behind another glass. A glass that shuts out both "your world" and the "other world".
I have not been on here much because i am in India still. I almost don't want to tell you this because it makes me feel like more of a fool for feeling this way and i know what you are thinking reading this. It makes me more weak, that even with my luxuries and opportunities i cannot find it in myself to feel happy.
I'm ashamed, embarassed, confused - someone else should be having my life not me.
Abby