Trigger for hostility at parenthood in general



I hesitate to talk about it because I don't want to offend anyone. These are my issues that I've struggled with for years, and it was hard to bring up with T because my hostility and anger includes her. I would love to find a way out of the anger because it is downright hard to live in this world feeling the way I do.

I talked about how angry I feel at anyone who has biological kids on purpose. How I feel like they are gambling with someone else's money by bringing someone into existence who might well not want to exist. (Witness the passive death wish thread.) How childhood is like a forced marriage where the parent assumes that anyone (because the unborn child could have literally any personality) would be thrilled to be controlled and guided by and live with them for 18 freaking years. How that seems like the height of hubris to me--an assumption of the position of god. How I could never presume to be worthy of that much control over another person. How I have no comprehension of anyone making that choice without some delusional polly anna filter on about both their own magnificence and that of the world.

How once the kid arrives, they become hopelessly enmeshed in a web of relationships and responsibilities, such that choosing their own extinction now means creating such enormous pain and chaos that that choice isn't truly viable. All of which could have been avoided by them not being in the first place.

None of us get to make George Bailey's choice. It's so hard to pretend, and try to be socially acceptable when I feel like this. I can only be honest with a few people. My T is a mother, so it was super hard to be honest with her. She was very kind and open to my anger. In fact, she didn't really seem to think there was anything unhealthy about my views. I just presume there is because I am so deeply in the minority. Strange reception. I presume we'll talk more about it tomorrow.