I just had a very good session; I've been in a state of almost-crisis for three weeks. Each week something has come up where I thought I needed to contact T, but I talked myself out of it. So by the time I have gotten to see T, things had worked out and I was feeling a bit better. I started session by telling her it happened again; I thought I would need to contact her; I talked myself out of it; I survived and got better. She smiled and said, "so far, we're 100%. That's reassuring, isn't it?" We celebrate these victories together.

Then we got into a discussion about the reasons I am afraid to reach out to my mom who is visiting me. I retraced a severe abandonment--when I was abused during giving birth to my son and my mother didn't stop it even though I reached out to her physically, wordlessly, grabbing her sweater; she pried my hands loose and let the abusive doctors take me and hurt me. My T already knew this story. She let me tell it again and this time I cried and cried in pain as I told her. T asked me why I didn't tell my mother that I wished she hadn't abandoned me like that, and I cried harder and told her I couldn't risk being abandoned like that again if my mother wouldn't respond.

All I want is for my mother to hear me, and for her to say "I didn't know how to help you."

In the past, I disassociate when I tell this story. With my mother visiting me, I am feeling more vulnerable, and that actually helped me in therapy as I cried for the first time when I told the story. I am glad I have my T, and that she was with me as I cried for the first time about this incident. It was not what I want, because I want my mother, but it was cleansing.

Why would my mother do that?

At least, I had my T. Maybe I will eventually get through this and understand my abandonment by my mother. Any thoughts, my friends?