My Support Forums - View Single Post - I'm at an ice-rink

moremi · May 25, 2012, 03:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Thanks, I kinda know that... But won't it just be easier not to? I would end up blissfully insane and unaware of how ****** my existance is, or I'd be dead. Either way it spells F.R.E.E.D.O.M... I'm not suicidal, so please, nobody worry, I'm just tired of fighting, but it's my nature, and how do you even go against your own nature. Every year is shittier than the last, I'm fed-up. Fed-up with being here, fed-up of circumstances not changing regardless of my efforts. Fed-up with hoping that somehow my life will be good, fed-up with family and so called friends telling me to pray. Pray? So I can be dissapointed and hear 'no' repeatedly like I have been? These very people who believe prayer is the answer, that God is a god of prosperity and abundance, none of them know true suffering, none of them know poverty, none of them know the shame guilt and anger that eats at you bcoz you are unable to provide for your child. They say I mustn't worry about this life, I must work toward a heavenly afterlife. THAT MAKES NO FKN SENSE! In THIS life, I have bills to pay a child to feed and clothe. In THIS life, I have emotional and mental torment. In THIS life I have wants and needs. In the afterlife I'm dead... Praying is idiotic, I need to find something that actually works. I went from being an independant, self-sufficient women, and even breadwinner after my dad died to leech in a blink of an eye. That alone is fkn traumatic. I'm wracking my brain, doing everything I can think of to improve this ****** situation, zero results. Guys... I'm tired, I'm exhausted

I understand where you are coming from. I went from one day being PTA mom of two with a successful and bountiful carreer a loving adoring husband to bam, nothing all alone in an instant because of a manic episode. I gave up on God for awhile, hell I blamed him for awhile, but then when there was nothing left in me I through my hands in the air and hit my knees sobbing because I just had nothing left to give. He heard me that time. I am now back in my home with my ex husband and children. I didnt get my career back but honestly I couldnt do it even if I tried so I am on disability. Trust me I know low. I was at the bottom of the barrell. I really really was. It brings tears to my eyes to remember how very down with nothing. I had nothing but a few outfits and a couple bucks. I was homeless, landed in jail for a dui lost my vehicle lost my home to foreclosure, lost my kids to my husband, lost my friends due to what I did to my husband their friend. All because of a freaking manic episode. I have these all the time. Im so scared it could all fall apart again tomorrow but I do pray. I do talk to God and I believe he is helping me. Im so sorry to hear you say you have lost your faith because I know what thats like. Its very lonely and sad. i hope you find it again. You are an amazing mother and person just remember that. You have a loving intellegent daughter who thinks the world of you, that is something great. Dont give up. We have horrible days but it gets better. We always make it through. Im now having good days again. For now anyways. Just keep your head up.