So apparently therapist thinks I am what he calls "the gatekeeper". Makes sense I suppose. Also makes sense why I don't feel like I connect to many phases of my life. Why I can't remember many people from long ago. Why people who were best friends at one point are strangers now. It's kind of scary I must admit though, is the "host" the "gatekeeper"? Could the host be that? Or is the "host" somewhere else and eventually I will be wiped away in an attempt to be bring the "host" to one?

With this whole "integration" process, would I just vanish, or the alters if I am the host, or would we kind of merge into one person all retaining all of the memories and ideas, instead of being split would we all just kind of mold into one large (spiritually) person or the parts split and only leave the host when it's all said and done?

This is a rather confusing situation we are in. Rather confusing and a bit worrisome to me. I suppose when others call me by my name, it doesn't ring a bell, perhaps I am just another piece to this and the "host" is somewhere in hiding. Can't say I really blame her, there's been much evil following.

Today I believe I have DID, I believe it's here and perhaps I'm just a part, tomorrow who knows. Either way, wondering if we do merge to one at one point, will I be gone completely or will I just be a part of her? To be honest, I feel no connection with the given name, but I have no clue what name I would feel connected to. I think that happens when many are "out". Only one had ever been given or had a name before. This is rather confusing. Thankfully the therapist is willing to take this DID thing slow, not to push. And apparently sometimes he says it is ok to just go down to 2-3 personalities and not have to merge them all. Maybe that is what will happen.

Or maybe I'm just crazy and I don't have DID but I'm schizophrenic or something, but I don't honestly think that that is the case here. It's just really confusing. Any input? Added a trigger icon just in case although I don't think it's needed.