the trigger warning is for a discussion of childhood abuse.


The title other posting about prices we pay initially kind of got me going. [Triggered me, I guess.] I started a different thread, because this is about a different kind of paying a price: paying an emotional or physical price for being in a relationship with someone.

I have always thought that I pay a price for every relationship I have been in, except the one with my children. That one sort of has a price in that it's all about them and what's best for them, but that's different.

I am not sure I can write this in a way that makes sense. Like there was a price to pay to get my father to love me. That price was putting up with him beating the snot out of me periodically, and having to do whatever it took to keep my mother at least quasi-happy. Because if she wasn't happy, HE was really unhappy. The price of getting my mother to just treat me with tolerance was huge -- beatings, sexualized activity, complete and total deference, not having any feelings she did not have or approve of, having to apologize to her for "making" her beat me, etc., etc. With my older sister too, there was a price always to get her to treat me tolerably, although I still don't talk about that really. Every relationship since then, there has been an emotional or physical price to pay. With my husband, it was about being willing to accept the blame for most things in our life. Now that I am not doing that, we are having huge issues.

This feeling of having to pay a price for someone to be nice to me has gotten better in therapy, but even with my therapist sometimes, I have this panicky, WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? response sometimes when he's particularly nice. He never seems to want anything but the check for the fee, but I still get that feeling, and a feeling of almost guilt that all I give him in return for his help is that check. Like I *should* be giving him something else.

Anyone else? Do you feel like you're always paying a price for civil treatment from others? Or that you SHOULD be paying a price?