This may trigger, because it is about the death of my father/abuser

My father died last night. I don't need sympathy tears, nor can I shed them because this man abused me as a child. He never gave my siblings nor me any support emotionally or financially, he just drained us in all ways, expecting us to care for him. To give you an example of how awful he was, when I was in college I had to finance my education through student loans. The checks were written to him and me for the loans. When a check would come, he would keep part of the money, even though it was money I would have to pay back one day, and also that much was lacking from my bills which had to be made up with extra jobs on my part.

Just last weekend we were getting nasty phone calls from my step-mother because we weren't spending time with him.

Meanwhile, it's a holiday weekend, which means my t won't be available to see me until after Monday. She has been in touch through email, which is a great comfort, but I'll even lose that contact after today.

Somehow I will need to survive the planning of the funeral, the visitations, etc. I have already had a phone call from the funeral home, asking me about plans. Also, I need to survive the guilt I am feeling because I can only feel all of this is a chore instead of grieving in any way for the man whose dna makes up part of me. The tears I am shedding are out of fear of the facade I have to keep up for the next several days.

Btw, I am already on pretty shaky ground because I have been very depressed lately (bipolar dx) and can't get my meds straight. I felt yesterday that the depression might be starting to go away, but all of this might just keep it around for a while longer. I am going to call the pdoc's office now to see if there is anything I can take temporarily to get me through this.

Thanks for reading my post.

Bluemountains